I have built my life and society works in such a way that I have no one with whom to make big plans, no one with whom I really “share my life”. Maybe I wouldn’t be able to do it in the way that most of my friends do it with their romantic/sexual/nesting partners. But still I do want and need to do it more than I am doing now (& have been doing for so long).
I was able to hold it together yesterday afternoon at the brewery. I drove my buddy home and them I drove back home myself together with my close European friend. The moment I started driving home, I broke down. Tears streamed down my face the whole drive back, for over half an hour. I was an emotional wreck.
Fortunately, I was still able to have a lovely evening with my European friend visiting — a priority especially since they were leaving today. And over dinner I was able to open up with them and finally say some things out loud that I’ve thought before but never had the courage to admit. I finally admitted out loud that I’m afraid I am more attached to this climbing buddy and some other of my close friends than they are to me. And it’s not because they care about me less but because of the importance that I give to friendship that is so “non-normative”, so uncommon in its depth & intensity & commitment. Because I experience relationships and love differently. I don’t feel sexual or romantic attraction for people and thus I am not interested in that type of closeness or that type of relationship. But I do feel affection and love and attachment. I do need and want closeness and commitment and sharing. So as I poured out my heart to my European friend last night, and as they asked me some very good (& difficult) questions, I started having more clarity around what I actually want and need from some of my closest relationships/friendships.
Ideally, I would like to know how important I am to the people I care for, how much and in what way they care for me. But that is probably too vague a question for many persons, especially for AMAB/socialized-male people. Concretely, what I want and need is for some of my closer friends and buddies to make more plans with me and/or to reach out to me themselves to suggest things instead of leaving it always up to me.
In so many of my relationships, even some that are really close/solid, I feel we don’t plan anything “serious” or “significant” together. We’re there for each other for practical things and/or mutual support like house- and/or cat-sitting, moves or doctors’ appointments (for which I’m very grateful). There’s some planning around fun things together but that hardly ever goes beyond a shared meal, a walk&talk, a day outing. Once every blue moon there’s something more significant like the weekend in Fruita for my protest race or the Ragnar trip or the visit of my European friend now. And these events fill me with a joy that is so beautiful that it can hardly be described. But these events are also few and far between and often spontaneous or impromptu, not within an “agreed-upon relational dynamics”. And that’s what I miss, that’s what I need, that’s what I would like.
As I unpacked these difficult emotions with my European friend over dinner last night, I realized that I would like to have established, mutually-agreed-upon “bigger events” to plan and share with some of my closest friends. It could even be just a one-weekend trip a year with each one of these four or five persons, but I would really like — and need —to have those moments, separately, with that handful of people that are dearest to me.
Yes, it hurts that these people make such plans with their “partners” and maybe with other friends but not with me. It hurts that no one makes such plans with me. It hurst that all I get is an evening out or a day hiking/climbing. It was lovely to have my European friend here for almost a week and share things — my world — and make plans with them.
And it was good, albeit difficult, that they asked me what I fear from telling my other friends that I feel this way. The reply to that basically amounts to this: “I’m afraid of asking for too much, of my feelings being misunderstood (because of how we’re socialized/conditioned around close relationships) and thus scaring away my friends and losing them”.
But as things are, I’m making do with crumbs when what I would need is a full meal.
The Little Prince and the Fox 