Hello loneliness, my old friend

I’m feeling sad. And lonely. 

I knew this would happen and I would do it all over again, I regret nothing, it was all worth it. But still, now it hurts. The loneliness is as thick and real as a wall. 

As I’ve expressed over and over again, this loneliness I experience is both existential and circumstantial. But the difference now is that I refuse to ascribe it wholly to my own “attachment wounds” or to seek the solution through individual therapy aimed at “fixing me & my wounds”. This loneliness is here because of how I function or experience relationships/closeness (as an aro ace person) and because of how society functions or organizes itself around relationships/closeness. 

The loneliness and sadness right now are caused mainly by the departure of one of my dearest friends from grad school who just visited me here in Colorado from Europe for nearly a week after not having seen each other (but still having been in touch and close) for seven years. I was expecting this loneliness and sadness, I accounted for them when this friend & I were planning their visit here, knowing it would be totally worth it. And, in fact, it was — it is. 

This circumstantial loneliness, though, is aggravated by a more existential loneliness that was sparked in me by a conversation with my closest climbing buddy yesterday afternoon. Relaxing with a beer after our hike, he shared some very personal things, including possible plans of moving to California. He’s mentioned changing job and possibly moving away before but the way he talked about it yesterday sounded much more imminent, much more realistic, much more real. And as I listened to him talk and tried to give him the advice that a “good friend” would, parts of me felt stabs inside, thoughts rushing through my head of how much I would miss him while he would just move away with no further thought about me. What pained/pains me the most, though, was/is the fact that he — as almost everyone else I know — is making all these plans together with someone, whereas I’m always making my big plans by myself. He’s making these plans with his romantic/sexual/nesting partner and possibly even with some other close buddies. And while I rationally understand that he has more “history” with these other buddies than with me, it still hurts that he might make big life plans with them (along with his romantic/sexual/nesting partner) but not with me. As it hurts that I have a few other close friends who make big plans with their romantic and/or nesting partners but not with me. 

I have built my life and society works in such a way that I have no one with whom to make big plans, no one with whom I really “share my life”. Maybe I wouldn’t be able to do it in the way that most of my friends do it with their romantic/sexual/nesting partners. But still I do want and need to do it more than I am doing now (& have been doing for so long).