In the second half of the first book of The Extraordinaries by TJ Klune, when Nick & his best friend Seth are still grappling with their own “beyond-platonic” feelings for each other, there’s a very touching moment when Nick cannot help himself and blurts out to Seth, “You make my heart so full I think I’ll die”.
I know that feeling. I’m fortunate to say that I’ve experienced it quite a bit especially since moving to Colorado.
For me, though, this feeling is platonic. I don’t want to say “only platonic” or “limited to the platonic level” because those wordings seem reductive or discounting of the depth or importance of the emotions & relationships & people involved. What I mean is that in my case, at least with the people involved now, the feelings and relationships are undoubtedly neither romantic nor sexual. They are, however, of paramount importance. They have a depth and breadth, an ease as well as a solidity and a commitment to them that they often make my heart so full that it feels like it will spill over.
It feels like there’s so much love that I don’t know where to put it.
These moments, these feelings, these people — they are gems. (And I’m so excited that one of my “European gems” will be visiting me here in a few weeks and will be able to meet one or two of my “Colorado gems”!)
Yesterday morning when I woke up, I was feeling so lonely that I felt my heart would break, would just crack and bleed. But then, unexpectedly, one of my “Colorado gems” reached out to ask if we could meet up in the afternoon — and we did, going for a dip in the creek (our first “post-op topless baptism in the creek” together!) and spending some very meaningful time together, talking and empathizing and enjoying the beautiful summer weather.
This morning I woke up exhausted. I felt like I should just take advantage of the bad weather forecast to skip the hike with my buddy and stay home. But my climbing buddy (who doesn’t really like to hike and is doing it as a way to keep up our connection) was determined to take the risk of bad weather to attempt having a day out with me, so we went. As we’ve done before, we defied the weather (& got lucky) and had a wonderful time together — not just hiking: the hike, as beautiful as it was, was an excuse. The gem was our “bro-time” together: the flowing conversation; the comfortable silences; the sex jokes; the laughter — oh, so much genuine laughter! And, as my buddy called it, another milestone we hit: after the hike, we went to get a late lunch at a place that doesn’t take credit cards so we had to get cash from the ATM at the back; as I got up from our table out front to go to the ATM inside, my buddy gave me his card and asked if I could get cash for him, too; “Sure, but don’t you have a PIN on your card?” I asked; “Yes”, he whispered, “it’s ****”, and then he added with a smile, “Look at us! I think we’ve hit another milestone”. And it’s true: I know we have.
I love these people. These moments with them, these gems, make my heart so full that it’s hard to find words for them — or, maybe, words cease to matter.
The Little Prince and the Fox 