Queer teenage boy trying to figure things out

I feel like I’m a mix between a teenage boy trying to figure out his queer-related conundrums and an adult going through an existential mid-life crisis. A combination that I wouldn’t recommend to anyone! 

As I’ve mentioned before, I feel like I’m going through puberty all over, a queer teenage boy trying to figure things out. Lately, though, I don’t even feel like I’m a sixteen-year-old boy, I feel so confused that it’s like I’ve regressed to thirteen or fourteen. While another part of me is an adult trying to decide what to do with their life, even from practical viewpoints like professional career and living situation. 

Going out last night threw me for a loop again so I need to parse things out a bit. 

I went to a queer club with an “acquaintance/loose-friend” (who’s also a non-binary transmasc person) and a few friends of theirs whom I didn’t know. 

In my head, my plan was to dance (which I really enjoy when there’s music I like), meet new people who might become new fun acquaintances and/or new friends, and immerse myself in a fun queer environment to explore my gay boy sides. 

Well, I basically achieved none of that. As I walked into the club and then out into the club’s patio and saw that most of the patrons were gay guys (the first Friday of the month, the biggest queer club in town has a “Ladies+ night” so the other clubs end up inundated by all the cis gay guys), I exclaimed to my friend: “Oh my god, there’s so many gay guys! I’m in heaven! … I’m so overwhelmed…”

And then the overwhelm took over for the whole rest of the night.

And that can feel like a debacle. But I can also learn from the experience and try to figure things out better for the future. 

In hindsight, I realize my expectations for the night were unrealistic and/or misplaced. And now I’m going to break it down (mainly for myself so hopefully I won’t make the same mistakes again). 

Point one: I love to dance but only to specific types of music that I like, e.g. rock ’n’ roll, rock, rhythm & blues, bluegrass, music from the 80s & 90s. If I want to dance to that type of music, I need to seek out venues & events where that music is played, not just go to a random (queer) club. 

Point 2: if I want to make new fun friends, i.e. meet people with whom I can just go out for fun & dancing, I need to really be in the mood for it, and in this period of my life I’m probably not there; I’m in more of a “monastic phase” feeling the need to maintain the well-established, safe, platonic friendships I already have or branch out specifically only in situations that might lead to “gay boy relationships”. Which brings me to…  

Point 3: if I want to try to understand & explore my gay boy sides and make gay guy friends, going to a gay/queer bar/club isn’t going to work for me, with my personality or, at least, with the place where I’m at in my life right now. Going to gay/queer bars/clubs like I did last week in Salt Lake City or last night can help me explore but only as an awkward-feeling-onlooker or outsider. I can basically do “exposure therapy” and shyly look around and in my head think about what types of guys I like and which I don’t, but that’s pretty much it. As in most big, crowded spaces indoors, also in gay/queer bars/clubs I shut down — unless there’s music I like and in that case I get totally carried away by the dancing and won’t meet anyone new that way either. I’m not going to ever meet anyone in these places, I’m just unable to. I end up either hunkering down behind the protection of safe friends (like in Salt Lake City) or getting carried away in my own little bubble dancing or else just shutting down, finding a quiet corner to sit, staring mostly at the floor or my phone (like I did last night): in all of these cases, what my body language is saying to the outside world is, I think, “Stay away from me” (which is maybe why no one ever approaches me or tries to make a move on me). So maybe there’s two different points here. On the one hand, going to gay bars/clubs and/or queer spaces in general can help me understand & explore my gay boy sides, or my queerness more broadly, but only as long as I’m willing to put up with my own shyness and feeling awkward, knowing and accepting without judgment that I’m like a very young & confused teenage boy as far as my own sexuality & gender identity are concerned right now. On the other hand, if I want to make gay guy friends, I need to go to other types of places/spaces/events: if my goal is true connection, I need to do things and/or go to places where I can actually meet and talk to gay guys. And with my personality, that’s not going to be gay bars/clubs.