I wish I had been “born a boy”

[Trigger warning: some explicit references to body parts (incl. genitals) and body shapes.]

I wish I had been “born a boy”. 

Today this desire is almost excruciating, full of pain and of anger even (of course, I always feel angry when I’m hurt). Because I actually was born a boy but nobody saw it. Because I didn’t have a penis. 

Today, the pain and anger I feel toward society for putting labels on us based on the bodies, or body parts, that we have, are huge. (This goes well beyond gender and gender-labels, of course, into broader and deeper issues including ableism, fat-phobia, etc. I’m just focusing on the gender aspect because it’s the closest to my experience right now.) 

I’ve been off testosterone for a couple weeks. Taking a break from it, once again, because of issues with my body hair. Against my doctor’s prognosis, my body hair is growing in new places and/or getting darker & coarser in places where I already had some. And I don’t like this on myself (I have no problem with body hair on other persons!). 

Should I just stop HRT? At this point, I’ve got what I need for society to see me as a guy: my jaw is more square than it already was; my facial hair, albeit still light and fuzzy and present only in patches, is evident, especially my blond mustache; my voice is low and quite clearly masculine (except for rare occasions). And these details paired with a definitely masculine chest and boyish haircut are sufficient for people to put me into the “male bucket” with hardly any hesitation at this point. 

I don’t mind how I look and sound now. I actually like it. And I don’t regret in the least getting my masculinizing mastectomy: I really like having a body without any “appendages”, neither above nor below the waist — honestly, it’s so practical (e.g. for climbing)! 

But I hate the fact that this is what it took for the world to see me how I am, how I always was, how I always felt. For me, it’s not breasts or penises that make us a woman or a man or any other gender. For me, it’s how we feel inside. I’ve always wanted to get rid of, or at least ignore, my breasts as much as possible, just as much as I’ve always preferred short hair: because they are practical, they feel comfortable and easy to me. But I was a boy even when I had breasts or when I had a higher voice and no facial hair or less body hair. I was a boy even when I was born and the doctor (or nurse?) proclaimed me a girl because of my genitals. And not having had this recognized for decades is a huge loss and source of grief and pain and anger for me now. Because it influenced and shaped so much of my life, so many of my experiences. 

And I wonder if even the type of relationship I would like to have with (a) guy(s) now — being friends and bros and adventure buddies before possibly expanding it to the romantic & sexual levels — is something I’ll never have because of how I was socialized and because of all the years as a “woman”… 

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P.S.: (reflection) I guess one of the things I’m saying here is, that while the masculinizing mastectomy feels like something I would have done anyway, anyhow, once I was given the chance, HRT is something I felt/feel the need to do because of how our society works, in order to be seen by others the way I feel inside…