I want a gay boyfriend

I want a boyfriend. A gay boyfriend, of course. A gay man who likes me and loves me and feels physically & sexually attracted to me as a guy, too. 

This longing has been there my entire life. I’ve always felt I was one of the boys, or wanted to be one of the boys, while also feeling physically/sexually attracted to some boys/guys (& not to girls). 

This longing has become more intense, and its profound reasons more clear, since 2020, since the (beginning of the) pandemic. My draw to movies and books depicting stories of love between gay men or boys and the deep yearning they left in me were one of the most important initial clues to my own true gender identity. 

Now I’m reading another young adult fiction book by TJ Klune, “The Extraordinaries”. And it’s causing some deep, intense longing in me again. Longing for some things that I’ll never have, like those experiences, and crushes, between queer teenage boys. Because that’s an age I’ve passed already, and by many years at this point, so that’s something I’ve lost for ever. 

In some ways I like being trans and feel fortunate to have a broader gender experience than cis people. And in some ways, compared to many of my cis-male friends who are nice guys and got bullied as teenagers, I feel that my own puberty & teenage years sheltered away from toxic “male locker-room dynamics” were a blessing in disguise. But I still feel I missed out on a lot, a lot of things that I would have wanted, a lot of pieces of myself that I wanted to be or could have been. Pieces that I’ll never get back. 

And now there’s this intense longing for a gay boyfriend again. Intense longing for a male partner who can be both an adventure buddy and a romantic & sexual friend. I hadn’t wanted something so deep or broad with someone for a long time. I’ve been “compartmentalizing” relationships, not in a superficial or uncaring way but in a way that has allowed me to develop & maintain close, profound, trusting relationships with clear, healthy, safe boundaries. And I came to think that was what I would always want or need from now on: very separate relationships, with a clear, impermeable separation between my romantic/sexual life and my more adventurous/athletic or intellectual/emotional sides. But maybe that isn’t really the case, maybe not anymore, not necessarily. 

Now I would really want a gay boyfriend. A nice guy who would do “guy things” with me, go on adventures with me considering me & treating me as a male peer, but who also liked me & loved me romantically and felt attracted to me sexually as a guy. 

Is that possible? Can I find something — someone — like that? Or is it unrealistic? Will my being trans always be an obstacle?