[Trigger warning: some explicit descriptions of thumb/hand wounds.]
Carried away by my own innate optimism along with the enthusiasm of other people around me, I thought this past Wednesday would be a wonderful moment filled only with relief and good news as I was going to have the post-op splint removed from my left forearm & hand, fifteen days after the surgery on my torn UCL.
How wrong I was!
Most of Wednesday afternoon was marked with tears: tears coming from shock, fear, and pain — mostly emotional pain along with some physical pain.
I think I love my body as parents love their children. And seeing the condition of my left thumb so completely helpless shocked me.
My left thumb is currently so swollen it’s almost twice as thick as my right thumb and the joints are practically invisible, hidden by the swell and the dark bruise. The upper joint of my left thumb is practically immobile. And the nail on my left thumb hasn’t grown at all in the past two & a half weeks, since the surgery. When I mentioned that to the doctor, I was told it’s normal: my body is using the energy and the material (collagen) to regrow the torn UCL so it cannot waste any extra energy or material for my left thumb nail.
I think it was this last fact of the thumb nail that really brought it home to me, how much work this part of my body is doing now.
And the stiffness, swell, and immobility of the upper joint in my left thumb is so terrifying to me because I’m really afraid of never regaining enough strength and mobility in that thumb to be able to climb again — which for me would practically be a death sentence.
There’s so much work and effort and care I need to put into my left thumb & forearm now and for several months to come… I’m trying to tap into the memories and energy from when I fractured my right humerus seven years ago and made an incredible and much faster than expected recovery… But it’s not easy… Somehow I feel I’ve lost a lot of the hope I had back then…
The Little Prince and the Fox 