Ache

My left hand is aching a little bit after Tuesday’s surgery on my torn UCL. But what is really aching now is my heart. 

My heart aches so bad in this moment that I feel like it might almost crack open. 

It’s been aching a bit, intermittently, for the past two weeks, with the anniversary/commemoration of the start of the “love story” between me & my European (gender)queer ex-lover two weeks ago, then their birthday last week, my reading the book “The house in the cerulean sea” (that reminds me of them because they gifted me another book by the same author), and now the upcoming Pride month laden with occasions that could remind me of them. 

In fact, I’ve decided that unless practical issues or obstacles come up, I’ll head out of Colorado for the second half of June to avoid the Pride events here, especially the one in Denver that is the one most laden with memories & references to my European (gender)queer ex-lover. Except for one Pride event in a week from now, to which I’ll go with one of my closest queer/non-binary friends from here just as we did last year, I’ll skip all other Pride events this year. I cannot stand the idea of how much I’d miss my European (gender)queer ex-lover, how much the memories would overcome me, especially seeing how overcome I am already with an aching heart now. 

There are a few people in my life here whose company fills my heart & soul as much as my European (gender)queer ex-lover did (although with these people it’s platonic). But nobody does on a romantic level. And maybe nobody ever will on a romantic level again… 

I miss my European (gender)queer ex-lover now, I miss them so bad… 

Will this ache ever be completely gone?