“Transition” — “infiltration”

I get it now why people call it “transitioning”. 

Rationally, I’ve always understood it — I totally get the meaning, even the etymology, of the term. 

But now I’m starting to get it at a deeper — emotional, physical — level. 

I still feel that the term does not apply to me, does not describe my feelings around my gender nor my gender-journey. I still feel that for me it’s more a “coming into myself & being able to be my true self more visibly” rather than a “transition” which is (etymologically) a “crossing from one side to another”. I never felt like I was going to “cross sides” and I still feel that way — which is probably why I insist on describing myself as “non-binary transmasculine”. 

But the world is seeing me as a guy now. I still struggle even writing the term “man” for myself — it’s hard for me to say that the world is seeing me as a “man”. And yet, that is the reality now nine times out of ten. I get addressed as “young man” or “sir” by strangers and referred to as “he/him” or “guy” by new acquaintances. And people look at me differently, although it’s hard to define how… There are those brief, silent nods that men exchange with each other in public spaces, like quick acknowledgements of “peerdom” between strangers that I’m also starting to get (& sometimes instinctively return), but there’s more, so much more, some subtle, some glaring… 

These interactions bring on very mixed emotions for me… affirmation, validation, but also confusion, concern, fear of “being discovered”, and the need to literally re-learn so much about myself in relation to the world around me.

Yesterday evening at a queer game night there was another two or three affirming but weird situations for me. Usually it’s mostly gender-queer people who attend this type of event; last night, however, there happened to be also two cisgender gay men, one in his fifties and one in his sixties. And from their behaviors and words towards me, I am pretty sure they took me for a gay guy — i.e. cis gay guy. Or, at least, they totally treated me as if I were a cis gay guy. It wasn’t inappropriate or creepy in any way, but it definitely was that type of flirtatiousness that gay men use with one another. 

I don’t know how much of these changes from the world around me are due to actual physical changes in me, i.e. that my body (specifically my face & chest) looks more definitively male, or to how I present, i.e. that my haircuts & clothing are getting more masculine. 

For months now one of my internal mottos has been “First infiltrate it, then queer it” (referring to the male world)… Well, maybe the “infiltration” is now accomplished and it’s time to start queering it more openly/explicitly?!?