I will father the little boy in me

Today, a new love story has started, maybe the sweetest, and possibly also the trickiest, of my life. 

Today, I have become a father: the father of the little boy within me. 

I think that today I finally not only understood rationally but also truly came to touch and feel and integrate within me emotionally what it means to “reparent ourselves”, to “connect with and love the child within us”. 

It happened towards the end of a therapy session in which I mainly processed the feelings and events that caused me pain and anger last weekend. My counselor & I addressed the issues at a broader or higher, almost more abstract, level not focusing so much on the details of the person or relationship that triggered me last Friday evening but rather on the common patterns and emotions within me. And as my therapist validated my pain and anger from last weekend, as she validated both the emotions and their cause, she suggested that maybe part of the rejection I feel in these cases comes from within myself, i.e. me rejecting the little boy within me & his needs or fears. So she asked me to sit with him, asked me how I thought I could protect him and not reject him. But I was at a loss — “I don’t know what to do with him”, I said at last. And her reply opened a wonderful door for me: “Don’t worry, that’s how most parents feel. No matter how much they prepare, how many books they might read on parenting, no parent really knows what to do with their new-born baby, with their child”. That’s when I knew not only what to do with the little boy in me but also that I can do this with him: I can be the father he always wanted, the father he always needed.

As I sat in silence and with my eyes closed on my therapist’s couch, I really felt the little boy within me and for the first time ever I think I really connected to him — and I told him: “I will listen to you. I will protect you. I will love you. I will take you climbing, I will take you on adventures, I will play with you. But first and foremost, I will love you and listen to you.” 

And I know I will. I really shall. I will become the dad I’ve always wanted, always needed without expecting any other male person or father figure to do that for me. And this idea, this decision of being the father to my own little boy within me feels not only healing but also validating both for me with my adult masculinity and for the little boy within me. 

The emotions & events from today also feel reflected to me in the lyrics of the song “Come with me” by Chxrlotte.

I’ve been listening to this song a lot lately and the lyrics have made me think — for some reason that had been unclear to me until today — of me & my dad, of the love & protection I might have sought from him and his affectionate, protective reply in my fantasies. Now I know that I’m both the little boy and the father in that song (as I interpret the dialogue between a father and son, which I know is my own reading), and it feels wonderful.

“

On the day heaven tried to take my soul

You came down like in fairytales of old

I said, “Open your white wings for me”

And you said, “Close your eyes and just believe”

You’re made of darkness and fire, my friend

I think the world may be coming to an end

But when heaven and hell do collide

Know that I’ll always be there by your side

You know I’d follow you through hell and fight off demons, as well

You beat your wings and cast a spell, I’ll run away with you

And I said, “Hallelujah, ” running to you

“They won’t find us, you and I can watch the stars fall from the sky

All clothed in white, my shard of light

Let’s go together, we’ll be free

The world ends eventually, so come with me”

Take my hand and we’ll face the end of time

Let’s take a stand against fate’s design

I said, “I can’t bear to see the end”

And you said, “Close your eyes and count to ten”

I knew you’d follow me to hell and fight off angels, as well

You beat your wings and cast a spell, I’ll run away with you

And I said, “Hallelujah, ” running to you

“They won’t find us, you and I can watch the stars fall from the sky

All clothed in white, my shard of light

Let’s go together, we’ll be free

The world ends eventually, so come with me”

And after six thousand years, if the world disappears

I’d fight angels and demons to find you, my dear

I hear heavenly sounds in my head when you’re near

I’m alright now you’re here

And I said, “Hallelujah, ” running to you

“We’ve escaped them, you and I can fly away and paint the sky

All clothed in white, my shard of light

Let’s go together, now we’re free

The world ends eventually, so come with me”

”