I’m a gay guy — Heck Yeah!

[Trigger warning: some explicit, though limited, sexual content.]

This almost feels like a whole new “coming out” for me. 

I know I’ve already felt, and written about, my attraction for masculinity, one of my main identities as being a “gay boy”, while also using other terms to describe myself, my identities, my sexual orientation, including terms that might sounds contradictory. But to me all those labels make sense: non-binary, transmasculine, queer, gender-queer/gender-fluid, gay, pansexual. I am all of those things. And yet, at the end of the day, deep down inside, what I feel most strongly is that I am a gay guy. 

I think there’s two main reasons I’ve struggled with defining myself this way with clarity & conviction. 

On the one hand, there is a degree of pansexuality in me that comes up with other androgynous non-binary or trans persons: but the physical or sexual attraction in these cases is usually secondary or slower and conditional upon, or actually sparked by, the emotional connection coming specifically from being non-binary/trans/genderqueer. 

On the other, and maybe most importantly, there’s some internalized homophobia, I think. I love being around guys, cis-men. I like male environments and really enjoy having platonic cis-male friends with whom to climb or run or just hang out for a chat. And I’m terrified that if they know or realize that I’m a gay guy they won’t be my friends anymore because they’ll be afraid of my sexual orientation as a threat to them (because of their own internalized homophobia). I’ve realized that my main fear when walking into the men’s changing room at the gym now is not anymore that they might realize that I’m trans, but actually that they might think (or realize) that I’m gay.

But today, I’m reveling in the good feelings of having had my “gay-guy-ness” validated so wonderfully last night. 

I had my first date ever with a cisgender gay man who has never had sex with women, is very openly attracted to masculinity in all its forms and is genuinely affirming (& attracted to) trans guys. It was one of the most affirming experiences at least of my recent life. This guy sees me as a guy and likes me as a guy and wants to have sex with me as a guy (regardless of the specifics of my genitals). I honestly thought I would never have this. 

Of course, I don’t know how this specific relationship will turn out. At the moment it feels like a good fit but it might turn out not to be. But that doesn’t matter now. What matters now, what I need & want to register and put on the record, is these emotions I’m feeling right now: the sheer joy; the sense of safety alongside the permission or confidence to explore, try, play; the budding confidence; the sense of full recognition & acceptance; the ego boosts from all the genuine compliments. Even if it were just the latter, that would probably be enough, a very important step in my confidence building & healing: learning to be able to sit there and not only accept but actually let sink in the shower of genuine compliments — and compliments specifically about masculine aspects of me! 

Of course, this didn’t happen in a vacuum. The acceptance and affirmations and love I’m getting from all my platonic friendships have been helping me feel better in my own skin. The race I ran in protest as a non-binary trans athlete with the wonderful support, on the ground, of a close non-binary friend and of lovely cis allies, and from afar of so many dear friends rekindled my hopes and my confidence. The fact that I recently made myself an account on Tinder where I’m specifically presenting as “non-binary transmasc gay/pansexual” using “he/they” pronouns and seeking only men, while it hasn’t led to anything concrete yet, is an important step forward in my own self-determination. I’m sure all these events & factors, together with the positive vibes I was feeling in anticipation for last night’s date, contributed to my state of mind yesterday, more confident than usual about my gender-identity & sexual orientation. As I was driving, I kept thinking, “I’m a gay guy — and I want to tell my closest (cis-male) climbing buddies!” And then at the gym, as I lifted weights in a crowded room and caught my image in the mirror, reflecting back to me not only my masculinity but also my queerness, I didn’t shy away from it: I looked back at it proudly, smiling, confidently, with a sweet inner voice saying, “Yes, I’m a hot guy and I’m totally gay & queer!”