I’m feeling tired and delicate and fragile.
I feel a desperate need to relax, to let go completely, almost melt, but unable to do so. I can never fully let go. Never ever.
I’m not even able to get restful sleep.
I’ve been having recurring dreams with looming dangers and threats in them for several months. The latest two were early this morning and early Friday morning.
They seem to be dreams of two types with common themes but different types of threats.
In one type of troubling dream, the threat comes from above, literally from the sky. In one very memorable dream, it was the full moon in plain daytime spinning on its axis before plunging into the bay in front of me. In most of the other dreams of this kind, it’s jet-planes falling from the sky. The commonalities in all these dreams, apart from the very evident danger falling from the sky, is that I’m there with many other people, all or most of whom are strangers, and we’re always near a sea or ocean or bay or beach. Also, although the danger is always very real and imminent, in these dreams I’m always able to save myself or get myself to safety or we’re all spared, at least for the moment. And it’s always daytime in these dreams.
In the other type of troubling dream, the threat comes straight at me in the form of a person — usually a cis-man — who wants to kill me. There’s often a weapon (e.g. a gun) involved, sometimes a vehicle instead (car, motorcycle, attempting to run me over). In these dreams it’s always nighttime and it’s just me and the person trying to harm me. Sometimes there are other people or figures, strangers from whom I try to get help, but they are somehow less relevant or more removed than in the other type of dream. In these dreams, too, I survive — or they end before I know how they could end up. And of course, these dreams always leave me feeling very unsettled, sometimes even deeply shaken, afterwards.
Another commonality between these two types of dreams with looming threats is that there’s often a component of lucid dreaming to them. Usually, after a while, I realizing I’m having a dream of this type and I start controlling it, trying to save myself, as if I were a film director making a movie — in fact, some of the ways in which I save myself are similar to the far-fetched ways in which the super-star of action/sci-fi movies save themselves in dangerous (& improbable) situations.
What are these dreams trying to tell me? What is my subconscious trying to tell me through these dreams? By what or whom do I feel so threatened? Who or what is threatening me from above? And what about the men trying to kill me? Is that (my fear of) the masculine part of me taking over the whole of me? Or my fear that to the world only the masculine part of me will be what is left to be seen, thus “killing” the other parts of/in me?
The Little Prince and the Fox 