Drained

One of my closest climbing buddies says that life is made of moments. That’s one of the first things on which we resonated and connected when we first met in the summer of 2022, the idea of there being some special, beautiful, meaningful moments in life, often brief and all temporary by nature but important and intense — ”gems”, we call them. 

For the past couple months, my life has been quite full of such moments — important, meaningful events that feel extremely intense and seem to last forever in the moment itself but then are actually gone — like a comet. It’s been feeling more like a meteor shower in the past couple months. It’s been an ongoing, incessant, often self-generated stream of intense and/or meaningful but brief moments of this kind. Most of them associated with positive emotions; but some also feeling very difficult and hard. 

Today, I’m drained. Totally drained: physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. 

Maybe this incessant stream of gems has gotten the better of me. Maybe now I’m just feeling the harder parts and unable to tap into the brighter ones. 

I think I’m still feeling the harder emotions from discovering, a week ago, that I won’t have a job after this summer. I can only feel the worry and disappointment, the sense of loss and confusion and disorientation, or numbness, shutting down, but none of the excitement or hope or relief. 

I think I’m also drained from the recent forms or dynamics of my social interactions. For the past two weeks they have been mostly for work, with acquaintances, new people and/or persons with whom I don’t have a deep or familiar connection. In some cases, that deeper, more familiar & relaxed connection might come later — hopefully will come later, especially with the two people I’ve started “dating” or “seeing”. But that deeper, more comfortable connection isn’t there now so, while it is fun and exciting to be meeting new people and having such an active social life, it’s also draining. Especially because I haven’t been able to connect enough, neither in person nor on the phone, with my close friends, with the persons that I know well and feel comfortable/familiar with in a relaxed manner. I need those closer, deeper, more familiar and relaxedly comfortable interactions: those friendships and interactions nourish me. I’ve been missing them, feeling the reduction in those interactions, in those types of connections over the past couple weeks.

And now, after a sleepless night full of bad dreams, I am feeling really drained, like there’s nothing left in me and all I want to do is cuddle up & be held — or head out into the desert by myself for a few days. 

I need to find a way to re-nourish myself, or to let myself be nourished (again).