For some reason, the disconnect I had had with my deepest emotions for the past couple months became unendurable this past week. A mechanism that had been working, and even serving me well, for the past month or two, came to its breaking point — and so intensely that I almost felt like I was going insane, like there were two of me, some sort of “Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde”.
On Thursday, in my 90-minute psychotherapy session, I finally reconnected with my deepest emotions, reconnected with myself, reconnected myself to myself. By allowing myself to feel the pain, the sadness, the sense of loss, the longing; by allowing myself to sit and cry; by allowing myself to talk more openly and explicitly again about my deepest loves, including, and especially, for my European queer ex-lover.
This reconnection of myself with my deepest and most vulnerable emotions, of myself with myself, allowed me to bring even more compassion and empathy to work, to my students & mentees, yesterday — thus allowing myself to see my “better self” reflected in their eyes.
And this morning, maybe for the first time ever, really, in my life, I woke up feeling love — true, deep, compassionate, unconditional love — for myself. And I must say, it is one of the most beautiful feelings I have ever experienced. And I think it comes from the love I’ve seen in the eyes of all the people who’ve loved me sincerely, compassionately, unconditionally, all the persons in whose eyes I’ve seen the “better, potential me” reflected — all those people, whether they knew it or not, taught me how to love, including how to love myself. So to them I am, and will always be, infinitely grateful.
The Little Prince and the Fox 