Distances

In the healing process that I have been undergoing over the past two or three months since this summer’s losses, I have often, albeit intermittently, been feeling a greater sense of “distance”, sometimes even “detachment”: from my deeper, most vulnerable feelings; from troubling memories; from some close friends. 

Can I really, in only a couple of months, have gotten over the grief of my father’s death and the pain of the separation from one of the greatest loves of my life? 

And why, when I talk to some close friends, do I feel such difficulty in expressing my emotions, a chasm, not between me & the friends — I’m aware that the friendships are still there, intact, solid, deeper and healthier than ever — but between me & my emotions, between me & the feelings I’m trying to recollect and recount to my friends? 

Is it the crazy busyness of extra work this semester? Is it a defense or survival mechanism in my own self to get back into the world, to function in this world without being overwhelmed or paralyzed by the grief? Is it my neurodivergence getting worse (can ADHD and/or ASD get worse?)? Is it the effect of HRT? 

I’ve heard from other transmasc people that testosterone can make one lose some connection to one’s emotions and/or make it harder to cry. I’m always extremely wary of any idea that “biological differences” (such as hormones or other bodily attributes) between “men and women” are the unavoidable cause for “men and women” being irreversibly “different” because it can easily lead to dangerous and toxic theories, like the “men are from Mars, women are from Venus” crap, that underlie a lot of discrimination and stigmatization. Some differences are real and can be scientifically proven by rigorous measurement, but many differences are socially/culturally induced. I do, generally, feel more “grounded” on testosterone: there might be a “chemical” component to this, due to the hormones, but I’m sure it’s also, and probably mainly, due to the fact that I’m more aligned with my inner self now thanks to HRT. What I’m wondering now is whether this current “groundedness”, after the emotional turmoil I felt during the summer, is “real”, i.e. the result of having processed and overcome things effectively, or rather an effect or symptom of losing touch with my deepest emotions? 

For the past couple months, I have been feeling able to connect fully only with people whom I see or talk to very regularly or with my cis-male climbing buddies or with some old cis-male friends. With the former, we are aware of each other’s almost daily emotions and/or ongoings due to circumstances; with the latter, there’s a baseline intimacy coming from climbing camaraderie and/or “bro-type” dynamics, which feel partly new to me, partly familiar to me from when I was younger, and generally comfortable. 

Why am I unable to feel fully connected in other circumstances/interactions/relationships? Is some part of me keeping an instinctive distance to protect myself/itself from further pain? Or is so much going on, so much changing and evolving in me super rapidly, that it’s hard to convey all this when catching up every two or three weeks (or even more rarely)? 

While I do feel the need to stay grounded and function in my daily life, I don’t want to lose touch, neither with my own deepest emotions, nor with dear friends… How do I keep a balance?