It’s not the first time that I’ve had deep, intense emotions related to my gender identity — feeling a deeper & broader sense of exploration, discovery, and understanding of my gender — through singing or having sex (both with other people, not just myself). But I hadn’t had either in a while and I’ve experienced both again just recently, so the feelings are fresh in my mind, in my body, in my soul.
After the sexual intimacy with two non-binary friends this past spring & summer, the grief and pain from the loss of my father and the separation from my European queer ex-lover left no room in me for the desire of sexual intimacy with anyone. Throughout August & September I actually went through a phase where I could feel my body & soul rejecting the very idea of sexual intimacy with anybody at all. So when a couple months ago I asked my non-binary climber/skater friend if they wanted to come visit me for a few days in November, my invitation was coming from a place of mostly platonic feelings. Yes, this friend & I had already been romantically involved in the spring of 2022 and had slept together (in all senses of the word “slept”) during my visit to California this past June 2023; but we were both clear about not wanting to be in a “standard relationship” with each other, both on the same page about the platonic aspect of our connection being the most important & lasting one, and both in a phase of getting closer to each other, rebuilding the trust & emotional intimacy that we had had in our friendship prior to our breakup in May 2022. When we were planning their visit to Colorado this autumn, I still felt uncertain about my readiness for sex. But over the past couple months I have healed immensely, healed so much that it’s hard even for me to believe. And indeed, when my non-binary climber/skater friend arrived in Colorado, I was more than ready for sex. And being able to explore physical intimacy with a transfem person was/is not only a whole new experience for me but also a wonderful way for me to continue discovering my own gender identity. The masculinity that has always been there inside me and that had already started coming out slowly, tentatively, in previous instances of sexual intimacy with this friend and others, is now almost bursting forth, gently and consensually but with a spontaneity, conviction, and confidence that is still new for me (& for the boy in me).
Something similar is happening with singing. I sing in a trans choir and this has been one of the most important ways in which I have been able to explore and gain confidence around my gender identity, specifically through the use of my voice — this part of our bodies, this instrument, that so often leads people to (mis)gender us and thus is one of the ways in which we can experience our own gender both within ourselves and in relation to the world. When I sing, my voice goes very low, lower or more easily deep than when I speak, and I love it. I love to hear that bass timbre that comes out of my throat, my chest. I love to feel the vibrations in my throat, my chest. And when I sing with other people, this is enhanced, it feels even better: apart from the wonderful sense of connection that comes from doing music with other people, which has always been there, for me now there’s also the additional aspect of hearing my “new” voice, this voice that is still changing, still developing, in relation, in comparison, to other voices, which are often higher than mine and thus enhance a sense of gender-affirmation for me.
Throughout my life there have been, and there still are, many instances of gender exploration, gender expression, and gender affirmation for me through clothing/dressing and, more deeply, through exercise & physical activity. Indeed, activities like motorcycle riding, sailing, and, especially, rock climbing have been for years a vital way for me to explore, express, and affirm my masculine side even before I had the words for it. (And I know that having had these outlets, and the validation coming from these activities, helped me survive during all those years when I wasn’t allowed to be myself wholly.) Rock climbing is definitely the most consistent source of wellness/happiness to me, not only because I enjoy it so much as a type of exercise but also because of the gender-validation I get both from the physical aspects and from the “bro-connections” or “bromances” with my climbing buddies. But while this type, or source, of beautiful gender-affirmation for me is now quite regular (fortunately!) and also in some way familiar from previous experiences in my life, the kind of gender exploration & validation that I get from having sex/physical intimacy and singing with other people is relatively new and still somewhat bewildering to me in a wonderful way.
The Little Prince and the Fox 