Trigger points

I’m feeling frustrated, maybe even a mix of sad and angry. 

I have this beautiful body and cannot share it with anyone, because of heartbreak & trauma. 

It isn’t the first time that I’ve felt this way. For several years now I’ve often felt that I’m wasting my “golden years”, wasting the best years of my life unable to share them intimately with someone because of my trauma and/or incapacity to get close or let go or let someone in. Since coming into my non-binary transmasculine self, though, I have on the one hand felt much better, happier, more aligned, more whole with & within myself; but on the other hand also more frustrated, more sad and angry, for this impossibility of sharing all this beauty — this gorgeous body, blossoming at last, that won’t be this beautiful for much longer, given my age — with someone intimate, in physical/sexual intimacy. 

Today the frustration, sadness and anger are more intense. 

Something triggered me in the physical therapy session for my hip yesterday. I’m not sure what it was exactly, but something triggered some delicate or vulnerable spot(s) in me. I felt it immediately yesterday and, in fact, I cried at the moment and felt a little discombobulated for a couple hours afterwards. Then, this morning, as I slowly woke up earlier than usual, I had two very intense and vivid but almost contradictory feelings, physical feelings: on the one hand, I longed for physical & sexual contact with my European genderqueer ex-lover, I physically yearned to feel their touch on my body; on the other, I realized I don’t want to be touched by anyone else for now. But that “not wanting to be touched” was a more intense & clear feeling than I ever remember having at a physical level: it was a physical “NO”. 

In reality, I wouldn’t mind — I would actually like — to sleep again with my non-binary friend with whom I slept in California at the beginning of June, a dear friend with whom there was also some romance a year & a half ago and with whom there still is affection & love now. I would be happy to cuddle or snuggle with them, maybe have some gentle sex with them. And I enjoy and feel nurtured by the affectionate, tight hugs I exchange with half a dozen of very close & trusted friends here (queer friends or climbing buddies, or both). 

But that’s the extent of what I want, of what I can take for now. The idea of dating, of letting anyone else close(r) in any way feels terrifying to me now, like a huge bodily “NO”. 

But this also seems like such a waste, as I want to enjoy this gorgeous body and I long for it to be seen now that it feels “right” at last… 

How do I solve this frustrating conundrum? And where are its roots? 

What are these trigger points? And what do they mean, or where do they come from?