Naming more of “what I want”

It’s weird, this feeling of naming and asking for what I want. 

It’s also confusing, dizzying, and terrifying in many ways — it puts so much responsibility, so much pressure, on one, on oneself, on me. 

If I name, ask for, actually go for, what I want, then I’m (more) responsible for the outcome, for the result(s), and therefore for the possible ensuing failure(s) as well… 

I’m halfway through my postdoc and have reached the point where my advisor & I are ready to start thinking about the next project for me to work on, while I also need to think about what will happen to me professionally, and what I want to do in my professional as well as personal life, in a year from now when my postdoc position comes to an end. A week ago, my advisor told me to start thinking about what project, or topic(s), I’d like to work on next — something that had never really happened to me professionally, certainly not in academia. My first (inner) reaction was panic — impostor syndrome through the roof once again and a feeling of being totally lost in an ocean of stuff I didn’t know and didn’t even know how to handle. Once I got that sense of panic under control, I actually felt empowered (while still somewhat in disbelief). I actually had the opportunity to decide what I wanted to do with my research, with my professional path, with my daily professional life/tasks?!? My advisor actually considered me “good enough” to make my own research decision?!? Hardly believable to me… Eventually, I was able to tap into my own scientific interests and find some plausible connections to our grant/project in directions that genuinely interest me despite diverging from my advisor’s expertise. The next step was going to be communicating this to my advisor in our meeting this morning — another huge hurdle for me. Which I faced and went for. With the (to me surprising) outcome of my advisor being very enthusiastic and supportive. So, OMG, now I’m really responsible for my own professional/scientific path?! Am I really an adult “scientifically/researchwise”? 

I still don’t feel like I am…

I guess it’s also that I’m not used to standing up for myself in these ways… Saying “I want this” or “I want to do this” just seems like such a “luxury” to me… 

Too many years of repression? Too many years of having to get just my basic survival needs covered and thus no bandwidth, not even an inkling of an idea, that I might actually ask for “more”, want “more”, and even be entitled to it, have the right to “more”, maybe…?