What I want (in this moment)

My counselor is also encouraging me to start thinking about, and actually naming, what I want within relationships, especially romantic ones. 

It’s not the first time that a therapist, after listening to me repeat dozens of times “I should…”, “I could…”, “I can…”, “I cannot…” with respect to some relationship or other, has bluntly asked me, “OK, but what do you want?” (meaning “from this person or relationship”). 

So here’s the list of my “wants” with respect to relationships that bubbled up in me yesterday: 

I want to see my friend from Iowa again as soon as possible, and spend some relaxed, close time together like we did when she visited me as a surprise on my trip four weeks ago — maybe that could work over Fall break from school in October?

I want to see my non-binary friend with whom I slept in California in June again as soon as possible, even if that might not be feasible until sometime next year given both of our schedules and commitments. 

I want to see where this relationship with my new transfem climbing friend goes, allowing it to deepen, allowing for closeness, but prioritizing climbing with her. 

I want to find the courage to go up to a cute person, like the gay guy I saw in downtown the other day, and ask them if they want my number. 

I want to go out dancing at a queer club again as soon as possible, and in particular on Friday, Sept. 15th for the New Moon, to celebrate. 

I want to shelve this thing with my genderqueer European friend until I’m ready to pick it up again — and I want to pick it up again someday, and I know I will eventually, but I won’t force myself. I will respect my own boundaries and shelve it for now. 

I want to find and connect with people who love me the way I want/need to be loved, who respect my needs & boundaries, with whom I don’t feel forced for any reason to push my own boundaries. 

This latter wish is already fulfilled in many beautiful, joyful, stable, and mutual ways with so many wonderful (platonic) friends that I’m blessed to have and who keep showing up for me. I would like this particular wish to also be fulfilled within romantic/sexual relationships.