Yesterday I spent my whole Friday evening with a relatively new but also already very good friend — a friendship that started within the queer/trans community, spurred mostly/initially by our both being climbers (& very much outdoors, trad climbers), and that seems to be turning into a nice, well-rounded friendship that includes meals/drinks and a lot of deep, personal conversations during/after the climbing. We spent several hours together last Sunday, first climbing together and then going out for beer&dinner&chat afterwards. And almost six hours together last night in a similar way but this time having takeout dinner at her place, which allowed for more chill time together and more personal/intimate conversations that one cannot really have at a brewery.
I enjoy spending time with this person, both the climbing and the conversations and the spontaneous hugs feel very comfortable with her — since the very beginning I’ve sensed the possibility of a deep friendship between us as I have with other people in my life, an instinctive liking and closeness and safety from the start. With this person I’ve also wondered a few times, first at the very beginning and now the last couple times we’ve spent together, whether she might feel some attraction towards me that goes beyond affectionate queer friendship or climbing camaraderie.
When I brought this up to another friend of mine and to my counselor both of their comments/questions to me were, “How do you feel about her? Are you attracted to her?”
A few months ago, after the first time I had sex with my genderqueer European friend, when I was telling one of my closest non-binary friends about it, one of their first questions to me was, “Had you ever considered having sex with them, or felt that attraction towards them, before they showed or made clear their sexual/romantic interest towards you?”
With my genderqueer European friend, in fact, I hadn’t. I hadn’t felt or even considered/asked myself whether I felt any sexual/romantic attraction towards them until they made that step or proposal towards me.
With this (relatively new) trans climbing friend I also never asked myself whether I felt any attraction towards her until I sensed a wish on her part to get closer or open up towards me. Her opening up or coming closer is probably only on the level of trans/queer/climbing camaraderie and due to us both being mostly the affectionate, touchy-feely, hugger type of person — or, at least, that’s how I envision it or interpret it right now. Or maybe that’s what feels comfortable to me with her, that’s what I want to have with her. Or that’s what I think I want to have with her — climbing buddies who can have dinner together and close, personal conversations, and affectionate hugs. And maybe sit hugging or snuggling on the couch while chatting — or would that be too much (for me)?
I don’t know. And the reason it’s so hard for me to even ask myself this type of question, let alone answer it, is because most of the times I’ve been the “object” of attraction or interest rather than the “subject”, because that’s how I was socialized (as an AFAB person). I’m not talking about the random objectification from strangers here. I’m talking about situations that eventually led to some form of connection or relationship or intimacy. In my entire life, there have been only two or three situations in which I was the one explicitly taking the first step with the person that I was sexually/romantically interested in: three guys I liked & loved and with whom I made the first step very clearly and explicitly. In every other situation I’ve only “sat back” and replied “yes” or “no” in response to the other person’s showing sexual/romantic interest towards me.
Is that why it’s been so hard, maybe even impossible, for me to find the “right” person(s) with whom to have truly lasting romantic partnerships until now? Because I haven’t really taken the time to first understand & clarify within myself and then seek out the persons that I really want or feel attracted to?
Is the main solution to my problem of being unable to find/keep a long-lasting romantic partner the shift on my part from being a “passive object” to an “active subject”?
Is it “just” a question of my finding out for myself, truly and honestly, what I really want in (a) romantic partnership(s) and then “going for it”?
The Little Prince and the Fox 