I’m tired from having run myself ragged all week, from having gotten up at 5am and spent all day climbing outdoors both days this weekend, from the long, solitary walk along the creek after today’s climbing.
But it’s precisely these two days of climbing outdoors, learning new skills, meeting new people, pushing my comfort zone a little further, getting back in touch with my bold & wild side, finding my grounding on the wall as well as along the rushing water of the familiar & beloved creek — my home here, in this geographical place as well as my home within me — it’s all this that has lit the fire within me again. And as I sat relaxing — finally relaxing, finally able to sit and write in my journal — sipping hot chocolate from my favorite chocolaterie, finally I felt it again: some peace but also, and especially, the conviction deep down inside me and surfacing powerfully again to not give up. To not give up seeking, not give up pursuing my dreams, not give up hoping, not give up loving.
The hard moves requiring new skills on the routes I faced in this weekend’s climbing course, navigating and overcoming those difficulties, seeing my efforts being repaid immediately — it all brought back some sense of power and hope to me: that not all is lost, that I can still do it, I can still do something.
My friends’ supportive responses and loving presence this week also helped in the same way: seeing my questions answered, my seeking hand lovingly held, my requests generously understood — this also contributed immensely to help me rebuild and regain the will to not give up.
And I’m not going to give up!
I can cry because it ended — something beautiful ended — but eventually I want to, and will, smile because it happened. And in the meantime I’ll smile because of what I have here & now, because of who I am and what I can do, because of who is with me, by my side, here & now (maybe even on the other side of the ocean or of the country but still part of my life), because of the new friends and connections I can make and maybe, hopefully, also because of the new lovers I might eventually find.
I’m not giving up. Not yet.
The Little Prince and the Fox 