How can it hurt so much? How is it even physically possible for it to hurt so much? 

Is it worse today than Tuesday or Wednesday or yesterday because it’s finally starting to sink in? The initial shock and void from their departure is now turning into an established reality of their absence being for ever? Is it finally starting to hit me, the tragic reality of it, that I’m in love with someone who’s building their life on a different continent and with whom I have no possibility of a common/shared future? Is it finally dawning on me for real that I can never be with that person, that those two months we had together were truly only a temporary bubble? 

I “knew” it a the time, we both knew it all along. But “knowing” it in advance does not — cannot — lessen the pain now. 

In my earlier blog today I wrote about them as “my genderqueer European sweetheart”, instinctively, almost out of habit. Then, as I re-read, I realized that isn’t appropriate anymore… 

Last week they were my “temporary partner”; today they’re my “ex-partner”. Another one of those to add to my list. But this one I still love to pieces today. 

I wonder if they miss me as much as I miss them… Honestly, I hope they don’t. Because I could never wish so much pain on anyone, especially not on someone I love so much. From the bottom of my heart I hope they’re finding, or regaining, their own happiness and homeliness back in Europe. 

And with all of my heart, I also hope this pain passes for me as soon as possible because it is unbearable.