Here it is, that pain that hardly allows me to sit still, hardly allows me to breathe. 

The sense of loss, the loneliness, the broken habits even — it’s so hard to bear, especially in an empty house. 

Yesterday — the day of the big, painful separation from my European sweetheart and a week from my father’s funeral — I got through the day thanks to friends and trying to keep my body & mind busy to dampen the pain. It’s so sharp in this moment that I need to dull it a little, it’s too hard to endure otherwise. 

Today will be the same. And probably it will be this way for a while… 

For how long?

Focus on the little things, on what I have here and now. My pet snake who needs to be cleaned and fed again. Our house cat sitting right next to me, here & now, while I type out these words with my mug of tea, licking his front paws with great gusto, acting like I’m not here but actually coming over to the seat on the front porch precisely in the moment when I step outside for my breakfast. And then grocery shopping that needs to be done later, after a climbing session with a new climbing partner. And finally dinner with friends tonight. 

One step at a time. Here & now. That’s all I can do for the moment. 

And once the grief has become endurable, I can turn to it (again) and mend this broken heart.