Love and loss

My dad’s funeral took place today, back in Europe, nearly two weeks after his death. 

I wasn’t there, I couldn’t be there, and another wave of grief will probably hit me next week. Now I feel numb or a rather dull sadness that comes mostly, right in this moment, from the soon-to-be separation/break-up with my genderqueer European friend/partner. 

Two weeks ago they & I had a lovely clarifying conversation, and we realized — and admitted — that we were, are, very in love with each other and would rather love and lose each other than not love each other at all. We decided to spend as much time as possible together over the following three weeks, which will come to an end in a week, next Tuesday, August 1st, when they return home to Europe. We’ve had two wonderful, blissful weeks together, despite the sharp awareness of having a “deadline” to our beautiful romantic relationship. 

Their presence has brightened up my life in a way that I had forgotten was possible, and being able to spend the weekend with them, being held so fully & lovingly by a partner (albeit “temporary” partner) right after my father’s death, was a blessing. 

But it also, in many ways, just postponed the pain. I know the wave of grief will return, it will come again and be even stronger, more intense, when they leave in a week. 

And I’m afraid of the storm that will hit me then.