New beginning?

One year ago I was officially starting my second post-doc, which effectively felt like the begining of a second chance (at a career in academia) for me. 

Today marks the first weekend in five weeks that I’m spending without being in the company of, and without sleeping with, a sexually/romantic partner. In a sense, it’s going back to my “normal” status quo of the past six or seven years. But in another sense, looking at it just in the present moment, I could also see it as another beginning.

[By definition, one could see every ending as a new beginning…?] 

The past five weeks, and five weekends, have been wonderful — and maybe even more so because the events and feelings and emotions with both of the friends with whom I had sexual/romantic intimacy were an unexpected surprise. Those weeks, and those weekends, have been lovely, and the pain now is real and intense. And probably even more so real and intense because the painful separation(s) came in the middle of the initial phase of rapture in the relationship(s), in the midst of the “new relationship energy”, making the separation(s) abrupt and thus more painful. 

And yet, there’s a part of me that feels lighter, more free and aligned again, from having that rapture removed. As much as I loved it and reveled in it, it was also distracting. It fit perfectly into the boisterous bloom of springtime and Pride month, and I’d do it all over again — I’d love to have it again. But just as its beginning & unfolding were serendipitous in space & time, maybe also its ending now is right timing for me, as it allows me to recenter for my summertime. 

I would have loved to have another month of rapturous weekends with my special genderqueer European friend here and the circumstances causing that to end earlier than (initially) expected were, and are, truly painful to me. But what would it have brought me, really, another month of such weekends with them? Left me a wreck at the end of my summer, before starting the fall semester in which I also have to teach without really having time to recenter myself in the ways that I know how to realign with myself, like traveling in the summer, having my summertime. 

So yes, it’s painful, it’s been painful all week, it’s still going to be painful for a while, and I still believe we could have handled it better. But there’s also an aspect of liberation, of relief in a way, a sense of “new beginning”.

Another new beginning. And the question: how many times will I have to do this?

And another question, probably more pressing (& more useful) for me right now: what do I want to do with my summertime?