I think it might be good for me to reread the (excellent) book “Polysecure” by Jessica Fern.
In this and other books about consensual nonmonogamy, two main reasons for people to practice consensual nonmonogamy are outlined, namely: being nonmonogamous as a lifestyle (e.g. for philosophical, social, political, or practical reasons) or being nonmonogamous as an orientation (i.e. one’s deeper identity very much like being straight or gay or bisexual).
I am, and have always been, nonmonogamous as an orientation. I also agree with, and deeply feel aligned with, being nonmonogamous as a lifestyle for many reasons, but that’s an additional layer to my core identity with respect to sexually/romantically intimate relationships. Sort of like “nurture on top of nature” for me. I have been able to embrace my polyamorous identity only recently, though, since moving to California in 2016, because for my entire life before then I was brainwashed with toxic (cis/hetero) mononormativity that led me to think that something was wrong with me and I needed to “be fixed”. Anyway, I’m “happily polyamorous” now, in the sense that I feel whole in this way as well, at last.
However, while I truly am polyamorous at my core and have sincerely experienced that beautiful emotion that is called “compersion” for my partners with respect to their other partners, feeling no jealousy at all, I’m realizing that I still have tons to learn. I’m still messing up badly. I’m messing up in communication and the basic reason this is happening is because I still have a fundamental belief within me of not being wholly lovable, of not being fully worthy of love. And so I just avoid the conversations in which one would clarify the dynamics of the whole relationship involving everyone, all partners, and where I stand within the picture. I fundamentally believe that I’m just “an extra”, just a “temporary fling” or just a “friend with benefits”, and so I put myself in that position, I play that role, a sort of temporarily supportive role, standing on the sidelines, and walking away when things could get too painful or complicated.
… Hmmm… Lots of food for thought here…
The Little Prince and the Fox 