Land again

I’m feeling more grounded, and more in the present moment, again. 

Maybe all I really needed was a good night’s sleep and one whole restful day just slowing down and relaxing. 

In the past ten days since coming back from my trip out West I had been feeling quite unsettled — physically exhausted, emotionally in overdrive, and generally as if I couldn’t be “in the moment” anymore. And, on top of it, I was feeling disappointed and frustrated that all of a sudden, almost from one day to the next, all the beneficial effects of the KAPT sessions seemed to have vanished, as if wiped away by an invisible yet unflinching hand. 

But I’m feeling better now. Still extremely tired, physically, but emotionally more rested and grounded. And present in my life here & now, here in Colorado, in my present home. 

My life is here, my job is here, so many wonderful friends and chosen family are here, my present & future plans are here for the moment. 

I think that all I really needed was that day of rest yesterday, to see that I can spend a day doing nothing, canceling climbing plans on a holiday because of tiredness, and still enjoy my life here and not feel lonely. Despite having to cancel my climbing plans and feeling terribly bummed about that, I still felt the closeness of my climbing buddy, his sincere friendship. And then the closeness and affection of several friends here, with some of whom I texted and one who came to visit me at my new place with their partner and even met my new housemates (part of my queer chosen family). 

I have been able to integrate and digest all the overwhelming, mixed feelings from last weekend’s Pride events. And writing my posts and talking with my friends yesterday and sleeping on it all last night also allowed me to process and make peace — truly and deeply — with the intense events & emotions from this romantic weekend that I just had with my genderqueer European friend. I was able to make plans with them to spend next weekend together again and to go to the last big Pride event together with other queer friends of mine. And truly and deeply in my heart feel that I’m looking forward to another intimate, romantic, festive weekend while also being totally ready for it to be the last one with this particular person. They will soon be going back to Europe while my life is here. It’s been lovely while it’s lasted, it will probably be wonderful this upcoming weekend as well, but time is up and I’m ready for it to be so.