“Walk like a man”

Since starting this trip on Sunday, I haven’t once been called “ma’am” — not even at the airport! And actually, in the past three days, I’ve been referred to, or addressed, as a (young) man three times, once a day — the latest episode being this afternoon on the street with my photographer friend and being taken for their boyfriend. 

Moreover, since my top-surgery, there have been many small incidents, small gestures, often lasting only the blink of an eye and wordless but still very clear, like the curt nods of recognition/camaraderie I’ve gotten several times when passing an unknown man at a door or gate or passageway in the street or on public transit, for instance.

The three episodes from the past three days felt really euphoric for me and in general these incidents feel extremely gender-affirming. However, they’re also giving me food for thought. 

The world around me is starting not only to perceive me like a (young) man but also to react to, or interact with, me as a man. Which means that, in turn, I (will) “walk the world” in a different way. And my own actions will be perceived by the world, by people around me, in a different way. 

In many ways, I feel safer walking the world being read as a male. But I still lack a lot of confidence and I am aware of being potentially at risk — a target — if perceived as a gay boy or a trans-man, rather than a straight cis-man. 

I also realize that my words or actions towards other people might be interpreted or perceived very differently now that I am perceived more male. For instance, on public transit this afternoon, I found my gaze lingering a little on a good-looking guy sitting a few seats away. I didn’t mean to stare, I was immersed in my own thoughts & listening to music, but my gaze had lingered on him and suddenly he noticed it or felt it: and he looked away almost uncomfortably. Did he think I was a gay guy looking at him? 

On that same train I also noticed a beautiful young girl standing in the aisle and I found myself making a special effort not to look in her direction in case people around me, or she herself, thought I was some “creepy guy” staring at her. 

I might be hypersensitive, or hyperaware, or simply still lacking confidence. But I do believe that some things will shift for me as I am perceived as more male. And since I refuse to yield to, or feed into, the binary system and toxic privileges, maybe my hyperawareness is good…  

On the other hand, how much of this hypersensitivity of mine is actually stemming from social conditioning and/or ingrained prejudices that I’ve absorbed?