This is not my war

Two weeks after my KAPT session I am still feeling the beneficial effects of those psychedelic therapeutic journeys, with one of the longest-lasting sensations, still intensely alive & profoundly true within me even now, being a sense of softening and opening up while also feelings stronger, more solid, more grounded. 

During my first ketamine journey two weeks ago, one of the psychedelic experiences/sensations I had were shapes and colors that I know meant “war”. At a certain point and for a while, I saw & felt abstract shapes & colors that I knew meant war. But I also knew, almost immediately, that it was NOT MY WAR. Maybe it was my parents’ war, maybe my grandparents’ war (maybe even actual World War II), or maybe it was an archetypical war stemming from collective consciousness. But anyhow, it was not my war. And I knew that, I knew it in that profound, not-rational, deeper than rational way, with that “ancient knowledge” even while I was tripping, which is probably the reason why I wasn’t upset by those shapes, colors, and feelings or sensations even during my ketamine journey. 

Not my war. 

And so, if it’s not my war, then I can lay down my weapons and armor, at least on that front. 

Is that why I feel so much softening since my KAPT sessions? 

I’ve been feeling a profound softening and opening up — I feel myself softer and yet stronger, more solid, more grounded, more present here & now, more alive in a calm & tranquil and yet confident & eager way. More open. Af is my strength and solidity came from inside, rippling outwards, rather than from an outside armor I was wearing. 

There’s an openness with a strong, calm, confident solidity; an openness and strength that are more accepting of my vulnerabilities, without being scared of them; an openness without separateness but with clear, healthy, kind boundaries. 

My KAPT guide put it as, “There’s no YES without a NO”. 

For me now, the “YES” is the openness, the renewed aliveness in the present moment, enjoying & accepting everything here & now, actively living in the (eternally) present moment. 

The “NO” — the healthy, confident, and even kind “NO” — is the setting of strong, healthy, kind boundaries; the recognition of what is mine — my responsibility, my burden, my “war” — vs. what is not; the recognition of what belongs here & now vs. what does not (anymore). 

And this “NO”, these multiple “NO”’s are healthy and kind in the sense that there’s no regret, no bitterness, no blame or shame, no anger or pain (anymore). 

It’s a “NO” of kindly but firmly turning away and letting go, like a setting down of something for good, with calm conviction. 

And with a similar calm conviction I believe that having said those “NO”’s is allowing me to say so many more healthy, open “YES”’s here & now, in my present moment. And this feels so good, in a wonderfully profound and liberating way!