It’s 3:30 in the morning and I’ve been awake for over an hour. I woke up to pee, as often happens during the night, but then I haven’t been able to get back to sleep despite my tiredness and the guided meditation to help me relax.
The feelings from my KAPT sessions are still lingering, too strong for me to sleep tonight, especially the ones from my second journey, the one on Tuesday. That sense of all-encompassing love. That sense of there being so much love. It’s still here. Not as clearly or intensely present in my body as it was on my journey on Tuesday, but still very present, very clear, very intense, and quite overwhelming.
There’s so much love, and I know where it comes from. I know.
God, this is so powerful. It’s too much for a human.
Is that why we shut it out? Why our “normal” senses keep it from us in daily life, so that we can “function” without being constantly overwhelmed, constantly in awe? Does the medicine simply allow us to see it, to feel it wholly? Like other agents or situations (deep meditation, runner’s high, communion with Nature, etc.) but even more intensely?
I know I’ve felt similar ecstatic moments and had some mystical experiences, precisely in deep meditation, or on a runner’s high, or in communion with Nature; but it’s never been so profound, so intense, so overwhelming and long-lasting as these effects from my KAPT journeys. Maybe because the ketamine actually allowed me to feel it all more deeply, even at a chemical level? In fact, on my first journey (on Monday) one of the things I felt and couldn’t help myself from saying was “Allow — Let it be”. And then during my second journey (on Tuesday), I clearly remember thinking & saying out loud (while totally under the effect), “Is it all in my mind? It’s just chemistry!”
Was I trying to reassure myself on Tuesday?
On both days, at the beginning of the journey there was some resistance in me: despite really being almost totally out of control of the whole situation, I could feel myself trying to maintain some control, trying to resist the effects, trying to explain and/or filter the sensations. On both journeys, it was only after I had somehow “decided” to allow whatever was happening to happen, it was only then that the real, profound opening and connection happened. It was only then that I felt myself turn into a flag, a mountain, a river, be in the Earth. And it was only then that I felt that overwhelming, all-encompassing, ever-present, totally true sense of LOVE. It was only then that the healing came. Once I allowed “it” — whatever “it” may be.
And now I’m still feeling it. And it’s keeping me awake. Maybe because my “regular consciousness” cannot allow it fully?
Of course, now that I’m back in my “regular consciousness”, I cannot really feel those same physical sensations of flying, of moving or flowing with all those shapes & colors, of turning into a flag, a mountain, a river, of being in the Earth among the roots. But I can still remember those physical sensations very well. I can still remember that sense of disembodiment, that sense of being pure disembodied consciousness. I can still remember these sensations even physically, to a certain extent.
And I can still feel that all-encompassing, ever-present, totally true sense of LOVE. Overwhelming.
Would it be less overwhelming if I somehow allowed it to be, if I somehow surrendered to it?
The Little Prince and the Fox 