A week later, I’ve changed, and let go of, another California plate: the one on my motorcycle. Now, my motorcycle proudly exhibits the temporary version of its new, Colorado, plate.
I’m realizing that part of the reason — and possibly the major part of the reason — why I sometimes still miss certain aspects and specific people from the years I spent in California, despite knowing that it was good for me to leave those situations and some people behind there, is that I hadn’t fully settled down in Colorado. I was still living here in some temporary limbo — and maybe to a certain extent I still am — like a visitor.
Colorado has always been warmer, more welcoming to me than California: from the start, even when I was here only on vacation. In many ways, I’ve always felt more comfortable here in Colorado and quite instinctively at home. And yet, I have been hanging onto, almost clinging to, certain aspects/situations/persons from the years I spent in California, even if only half-heartedly and despite myself.
There’s so much to let go of there, and so much novelty to embrace here.
My move from Europe to California in January 2016 was a huge change, a leap of faith, and a great liberation. But somehow, while maybe less “impressive” geographically, my move from California to Colorado has been just as life-changing and liberating. I changed my name and my gender, finally embracing and also showing to the world my whole, authentic self. I have a new name. I have a different gender-marker. I’m living and presenting myself as a full-out non-binary trans-masculine person, rather than the “socially more acceptable” “badass, somewhat masculine, but pretty/attractive girl/woman”. These are huge changes that I haven’t even wholly processed or integrated myself.
Another great part of having felt, or lived, in a temporary limbo here in Colorado was my practical living situation. For practical reasons my move from California happened piecemeal, in different stages and with several steps in various locations here in Colorado, with the last one being in the house of an abusive (probably TERF) woman — an awful experience that took a huge toll on me emotionally and psychologically — something that I probably already sensed when moving in with her last autumn, though, since I never fully unpacked. And never fully unpacking leaves someone in a limbo, with the feeling of being only a visitor, not really settled down.
But now I’m finding families here, friends who have adopted me into their own family, families that are taking the place of the people/families who had adopted me in California. There’s my climbing buddies who show up for me frequently and regularly; my non-binary friends and members from the trans choir in which I sing with whom I hang out and who offered wonderful support both while I was recovering from my surgery and now in the crisis with my abusive housemate; there’s two families, both made up of mostly queer individuals, who have adopted me as a friend & teenage son, and who are wrapping me up in their warm, safe, supportive love. And most recently, there’s the Acroyoga community.
Over the past two or three weeks, in particular, I have received wonderful support, both emotionally and on the practical level, from some people in the trans choir, helping out with my abusive living situation — invaluable help.
This past weekend, both of my adoptive families included me in their Easter celebrations together with their own biological kids and family members, making me an Ester basket, too, and letting me dye Easter eggs and share meals with them all — such a lovely, warm & fuzzy, feeling!
And on Monday, at my second Acroyoga class, something wonderful happened — a confirmation of something that seemed to be happening already at the first Acroyoga class on the previous Monday: nobody, not one person, misgendered me!!! In Acroyoga, one works in pairs or, more often, in groups of three, with a lot of communication among the persons involved; this entails plenty of references to people, often using pronouns, such as “take her hand” or “lean into him”, etc. In all the groups and with all the people with whom I practiced Acroyoga these two times, despite not having told anyone that I use “they” pronouns, nobody, not one person used “she/her” pronouns for me: everyone, every single person, automatically, instinctively referred to me with my first name all the time, avoiding pronouns for me altogether! This felt great, truly wonderful for me for two reasons: on the one hand, it is proof that I am coming across very clearly and explicitly as gender-non-conforming (and maybe confusing?!?) just by my looks, without needing to say anything about myself or my pronouns; on the other, it shows that many of the people in this community don’t jump to conclusions or make binary assumptions about one’s gender or pronouns — if they don’t know or cannot guess, they simply avoid making an arbitrary choice and make the safer, more respectful, and inclusive decision of just using the person’s first name. If only everyone behaved that way, how much better this world would be for EVERYONE!!! It’s hard to put into words how seen, and elated, I felt after my Acroyoga class on Monday!
All of these positive interactions and situations that I just reported here are those I need to absorb deeply, to let sink into my heart: it is these people, these situations that need to be soaked in, in order for me to truly, deeply feel at home, settled, here in Colorado, letting go of those parts/situations/persons from California that are no longer good for me or not really part of my life anymore.
The Little Prince and the Fox 