This morning I’m sad.
This sadness started yesterday evening after spending a couple hours with someone who had been very special to me.
Ten months ago, this person had come to visit me in Colorado, staying with me a whole week a few months after my move from California. This time, they were in town for a family reunion and made some time to see me in between family commitments.
This person was my non-binary climbing friend from California. We met in August 2021 through common climbing friends and then we started climbing together and/or meeting up for a meal & walk together beyond or besides the events with the rest of the climbing group. When we met in August 2021, we clicked and we both actively put in the effort to build a friendship that included but also went beyond climbing. It felt good but also a little scary to me. In fact, while the summer of 2021 had been really wonderful for me — healing, joyful, and empowering, building on all the growth and awareness I had reaped during that spring — the fall of 2021 was extremely tough and stressful for me.
By the autumn, I had a crush on this person, but I didn’t dare bring it up or let it show for fear of “ruining our friendship”, out of wariness for my own delicate emotional/mental state, and also because of “bad timing” since I was actually starting to plan my move to Colorado. By the time I was on my way out to Colorado in January 2022, our friendship had gotten very close and intimate on the emotional and practical levels, including a couple (platonic) sleepovers. While still remaining totally platonic, our friendship deepened after — and despite — my move to Colorado, with plenty of video chats and my friend expressing their eagerness to come visit me ASAP. Which they eventually did, when I finally felt ready for it, in April 2022. And then it became clear that the crush was mutual. Which was lovely.
After our physical intimacy in April 2022, my friend quickly started using phrases like “I love you” & “in love with you”, and expressing the availability & desire to come visit me again ASAP. Again, it felt lovely but also a little scary — maybe “too much” or “too soon” — for me. But I think the main dealbreaker was our different take on (non)monogamy.
We broke up at the end of May 2022. At the time, and for several months afterwards, I had neither the practical time nor the emotional bandwidth to fully process the rupture and consequent loss: I was able to do so only in bits and pieces spread across several months. And our final “breakup repair” has been very recent — we haven’t really even started “being friends” again (e.g. calling or chatting or texting much).
So while I felt not only ready but sincerely happy & eager to see them again yesterday, the meeting was actually somewhat painful for me. There was some awkwardness, moments in which it was a little hard to keep the conversation going. But especially, at least for me, there was a deep sense of loss: our differences and distance became so clear and apparent. And, in particular, it became painfully evident to me that our friendship will never be as close as it had been (even on the platonic intellectual/emotional level).
With many friends with whom I’ve had a phase of “benefits”, after the physical/sexual intimacy ended and all parties involved had time to process the loss/rupture, the closeness as platonic friends or buddies actually deepened. Which led not only to a more profound closure from the loss/rupture but also to a more profound sense of healing from it — including a shared, mutual healing. Yesterday’s meeting with this friend, though, made it clear that I will never have that with them. And it also was a clear reminder of what I (we) have lost compared to a year ago.
While I don’t regret anything of what I did or said in the relationship with this friend, I still do feel a very intense sadness today.
The Little Prince and the Fox 