Somehow, this is still “the old me”; and yet, in many ways, I will never be the same again, neither to myself nor to the world around me.

Almost two weeks ago, when the unexpected and joyful possibility of having physical intimacy before my masculinizing mastectomy dissipated as the plans with that person crashed, I remember feeling a particular, intense grief at this lost opportunity because, as I clearly expressed it to a close friend, “I will not be the same person after my top-surgery”. 

I knew I would be different. Not only physically different — which would already be a huge change since I’m getting a radically “new” body after having been used to the “old” one for a quarter of a century. Also mentally, emotionally different. I had a clear, albeit in some ways still partly vague, intuition that the gender-affirming surgery would radically change how I felt about myself, within myself, and thus in the world. 

I felt that having gender-affirming surgery would be like going through a portal for me. Not a transition, but rather going through a portal: on one side, the “old” me, the person who had to live with themselves and the world around them with/in a female body that didn’t really align with their identity; on the other side, the “new” me, a person whose body would finally fully align with their identity and thus allow them to move in the world in different ways, new ways. Which includes relating to people on various levels of intimacy in new & different ways. 

I am not, and will never again be, that person that the cute lesbian picked up at the climbing gym. 

I had this clear intuition before my gender-affirming surgery and now it’s getting confirmation as I embrace my new body and the feelings associated with moving with/in this new body. Most of the time it’s a beautiful, empowering, liberated feeling; but sometimes it’s also scary and/or full of grief, and hard to grapple with. (Today is emotional and hard to grapple with.) And whether liberating or scary, these emotions need the support and reflection from people who know me well, who understand me, who care about me, who might share parts of the experience, who are willing and available to be near me & hold me now.