Funny how time stops beating regularly in these phases before some big event, some huge leap of faith — minutes drag on like centuries, hours are gone in seconds.
One year ago in these exact same days I was preparing for my partly unknown move, my transition, from California to Colorado.
Now I’m preparing for another partly unknown move, another transition: from my given body with breasts to a new one rid of female breast tissue.
On January 26th, 2022, I arrived at my chosen destination in Colorado.
On January 26th, 2023, I will be undergoing surgery to align my body with my gender identity.
I know it will be months before my “new” body, my chest actually looks like what I’m hoping for — just as it took months before I was able to rebuild a sustainable and somewhat steady life here in Colorado. This is what makes these moves, these decisions, these events, momentous leaps of faith.
It’s the third time I’ve been through a momentous life change precisely around this time of year. Yesterday, in fact, was my “anniversary of liberation”: the day I got on my flight from Europe to California, liberating myself seven years ago.
This is “my moment”. Even this “frozen week” before the “big day”. This is always the hardest moment or phase of these huge events in my life: the worst or hardest and most terrifying phase for me is often the one or two weeks before the actual event. It’s this last phase of hectic activity that somehow also feels “frozen”, frozen in space & time, like a still snapshot out of a rolling video. The surface is a frenetic turmoil, a frenzy of last-minute activities and urgent errands, emotions flying on a wild roller-coaster; but something deep seems to be frozen. Doubts and last-minute or deeply-buried fears arise and explode almost uncontrolled and on the surface seem to cast a doubt on the final decision, but the final decision is really made, unmovable deep down inside, set in stone in some unfathomable conviction arising from a visceral sense of inevitability.
Inevitability because, no matter what the future arising from this momentous decision, from this big event, might bring, the present or current situation has simply come to be unbearable.
“Change is not necessary unless it is necessary to change”, my beloved maternal grandmother used to say (from her privileged WASP position).
The need for change might not be apparent or obvious or clear here, and I myself fear it in some ways; yet, it truly is necessary for me in ways and for reasons that I cannot fully explain in words but that I feel deep down in my gut, that I know to be true viscerally.
So in this last week of frenetic frenzy and frozen time, all I can really do is trust: trust my gut; trust myself, i.e. trust my own feelings and thoughts and decisions that have been unraveling and that I have been processing and evaluating (even with professional support & guidance) for months & years; trust the people around me who care about me and will take care of me.
And hopefully, once again, this time of year will prove itself to be a wonderful “time of liberation” for me…
The Little Prince and the Fox 