[Trigger warnings: Trauma (particularly in sexual and/or relational situations)]
There’s clearly trauma that has been triggered for me here.
The reply I gave the other person’s question about relationships on our date on Tuesday night came from a place of insecure attachment and the thoughts, emotions, and behaviors I’ve had since are clear symptoms of the unhealthy “fearful-avoidant” attachment style. And probably even the mere hypersensitivity of my reaction and my apparently “ridiculously strong” feelings in the past couple days are, in reality, the signs of my trauma having been triggered again.
This person & I — both of us — exchanged glances at the gym that clearly meant mutual physical attraction; their “picking me up” at the gym and our two dates and even our kiss were fully consensual; there was no forcing, no pressure. In fact, while being upfront and a little bold, this person has been (and I believe is in general) a kind and very considerate human, and probably more tactful than myself in general.
So why should I feel so hurt and almost threatened by someone with whom there’s clear mutual physical attraction telling me “you’re hot”?
The reason is a little complicated and rooted in my trauma, but clear to me now after a couple of days processing it. It’s because that sentence came paired together with two other ingredients: on the one hand, behavior that showed or seemed or could have been interpreted by me as deeper, personal interest and/or the beginning of close emotional connection; on the other, the explicit phrasing of emotional/relational unavailability (at least, for now). So what is going on for me here really is that I feel deceived. I’m not saying that person is trying to deceive me — actually, I am rationally convinced that they’re not trying to deceive me at all, on the contrary, they’re being very open and honest and upfront with me. But my past experiences that haven’t been fully processed, yet, are shining a completely different light on the situation for me: this light is “true” and valid but it’s my own truth (not theirs) and it’s rooted in trauma.
Yes, I’m hot. After years, decades of feeling uncomfortable in my body and even despising it at times, now I LOVE it, at last, and can say to myself, “Hello gorgeous!” feeling it deeply true inside me. If trusted friends make comments on my body, it’s totally okay: it feels safe, comfortable, appropriate, even helpful, validating, affirming. If someone in a professional setting makes a comment on my physical attractiveness, as it has happened to me with coworkers in the industry or even students, I get furious because I find it so profoundly inappropriate and disrespectful. If someone with whom I merely have mutual sexual attraction with a simple but somehow solid level of trust (e.g. a “fuck buddy”) says, “you’re hot”, that’s totally fine and actually flattering and probably something I’d be saying to them, too. But that same phrase coming from someone with whom I get the feeling that there is, or might be, emotional intimacy but with whom there isn’t sufficiently deep trust, yet — that will set me spinning in a loop of fear and pain because I will actually feel deceived and unsafe (even though it might not actually be a deceitful/unsafe situation).
So now that all this is clear to me, how do I deal with these feelings of pain, fear, deceit?
The long-term solution is, of course, therapy, which I’m already doing.
The short-term, “here & now” solution for this specific situation with this particular person is, for me, to clarify.
On the one hand, I can offer a more complete and truthful reply to their question about what I would want from a relationship now. On the other, I can — I actually want & need to — ask them to clarify their own answer/explanation. What it really boils down to, for me, now is to understand the following: does the fact that this person is admittedly “not ready to jump into a committed long-term relationship” (quoting them) but still approached me at the gym because they found me “hot” and they still asked if they could kiss me at the end of the evening, after our “relationship conversation”, does all this mean that they only want to have sex with me?
This is all I really need to know now. Where do I stand? What is this about? How much can I safely invest?
I wouldn’t be offended or hurt if they just wanted to have sex with me as long as it’s clear. I’ve had just sexual relationships and/or “fuck buddies” before and some actually really nice experiences in that way: but for me the key is clarity. Total clarity. I need to know where I stand emotionally. If we don’t want to invest emotionally and we just want to fuck around, fine, but I need to know. And knowing beforehand, I can actually make an informed, adult decision, giving my adult response rather than one rooted in trauma.
The physical, maybe teenager, part of me would undoubtedly give a loud “Yes!!!” reply to “just sex” with this person from the gym. But my adult response might still be a “No” this time around because I may still be too vulnerable for any intimacy at all with someone like this person with whom I also feel the potential for emotional connection and with whom it might therefore be hard for me to maintain healthy boundaries for now.
The Little Prince and the Fox 