Same mistake over and over again?

It’s 3:30 in the morning and I cannot sleep. 

Last night I went on my second date with the person who picked me up at the gym: a dinner date. 

On the outside, one could say it went really well: the conversation flowed pleasant and lively, never dull, continuously for a couple hours; the vibe was good; we evidently got along, there was a great connection or resonance; we got each other’s different “genderqueerness” and each seemed to accept important aspects of the other’s personal, and in particular gender-related, journeys; and the evening ended with a kiss and both of us saying we’d like to meet again. And yet… 

And yet, I cannot sleep because I’m upset by troubling feelings that started almost immediately as I was driving home last night. I cannot put my finger on them fully, they’re still somewhat confused, but they’re very intense and very troubling, so I’ll try and write down what I can figure out for now. 

The source of these upsetting thoughts and feelings of mine is clear: a question the other person asked me towards the end of dinner, asking me how I felt about, or what I expected from, a relationship now. The question caught me totally unprepared and I made a mess at answering it. At first, after trying to put my thoughts together sufficiently to give an answer, I actually deferred by asking them if they could give me their answer first. Which they did, and which was along the following lines: “I’m not really looking for a relationship now; I’m not ready to jump into a relationship because of grief that I’m still processing; at some point I’d like a long-term committed relationship again but not now; I need a lot of time to do my own things, including parenting; but I saw you at the gym the other day and thought you were really hot”. 

I truly and deeply appreciate the openness and directness of this person’s answer and, on top of it, the mature attitude they have been showing all along of just being extremely upfront and clear about things, bringing up topics and asking questions, even possibly uncomfortable ones, that should be brought up and asked in an adult relationship. On the other hand, though, there are two aspects of their answer that hurt and/or worry me. The first aspect is the fact of being perceived and defined as “hot”; it’s happened several times & with different people quite openly recently and while it feels initially, momentarily flattering, the deeper and longer-lasting sensation with which I’m left is rather painful: I feel like I’m seen and/or appreciated only for my “looks” (which will definitely not last forever and which I’m not particularly trying to emphasize) and not valued for my inner qualities. The other is the “I’m not looking for something now, I’m not ready to jump into a relationship” part: this sounds the “unavailability alarm” very loudly for me. On their part, telling me all this upfront and early on is honest, open, mature. But for me, it triggers pain and alarm from past experiences and other relationships in which I’ve been and, in particular, recent tendencies of mine in California of going for or falling for people who were unavailable: unhealthy patterns of mine which caused me lots of pain.

On the other hand, I’m also very unsatisfied with myself, with my own answer that I eventually gave them. I omitted telling them some of the more important things I need or want or really feel, such as my fundamental tendency towards polyamory and my desire to find a “principal partner” now while also having the freedom to have sexual and/or romantic relationships with other people. And I feel like I said too much on a level that is too personal or intimate, and also ultimately inappropriate or very biased by the social conditioning I received for so long, by telling them that I’ve never been in a relationship with a woman before. First of all, I feel awful about saying it because I know that, while not being straight out mis-gendering, it does not allow for or could seem dismissive of their genderqueerness; and I feel even more awful about it because I truly do see and appreciate their genderqueerness, I truly do see the “them” along with the “her”, and realize that this part of my answer came more from a deep, maybe childish fear of my own which is definitely very biased by social conditioning — and I, with my own gender journey and battles against normativities, should be the last person to make such a comment! Moreover, did I really need to tell them, so early on, that I’ve only been in sexual and/or romantic relationships with men and a non-binary person? Was that really necessary, relevant, appropriate? It just feels so wrong to me now to have said something like that to them. And even more so while not telling them about my real needs and wishes, like polyamory and my desire for having a principal partner soon. I feel like I gave them answers from a place of fear from my own previous relational wounds; answers from my own insecure attachment styles; answers from biased social conditioning from which I haven’t been able to liberate myself, yet, despite all my battles to do so. 

I’m terribly disappointed with myself, with what seems to me like an actual incapacity to be an adult when getting close in a specific type of intimacy with someone I like. 

On top of that, I’m also scared of getting into the usual pattern of falling for someone unavailable to me and getting hurt again — and diverting energy and attention from other things that are very important to me now, like my upcoming gender-affirming top-surgery, my career, and finding a partner who is really available for me while also open to polyamory. 

When it comes to intimate, romantic relationships, I feel like I keep making the same mistake over and over again…