Happy (Western) New Year!

These have been the best “holidays” that I’ve had in a while. 

One of the strongest feelings in December 2016 was the sense of liberation and joyous relief for not having to undergo the usual “holiday tour de force” into which I had been forced my entire life up to then (or, at least, for two decades since they stopped being fun when I “grew out of them” but wasn’t allowed to avoid or ignore them). 

Since then, my Christmases and “Gregorian” or Western New Year’s in California have varied a lot, still being less stressful or painful or triggering than how they were for me back in Europe but also suffering from the effects of the pandemic (and probably some of my own stress on top of it). 

I’m a little afraid of jinxing things if I write this but I’ve been feeling consistently grounded for over two weeks now. Things haven’t been perfect or “all good”. There have been hiccups and scares and worries — the frightening possibility of my health insurance not approving my gender-affirming top-surgery, some loneliness here & there, the non-ideal situation with my housemate, the fear of not having the support I need around my gender-affirming top-surgery, an upsetting conversation with a dear friend, and the ongoing concern always present at the back of my mind of my gender-affirming top-surgery actually happening in less than a month. But I seem to somehow handle these issues without getting as overwhelmed as I had previously, in the past months. Moreover, after the initial upset, I’ve been finding it easier to come back down to my “ground state”, to feel grounded and okay in a shorter amount of time and with less effort. And last but not least, I have been able to access more easily and more consistently strengths or skills or grounding habits that have always been part of my “internal tool-kit” but which had become less easily available to me in the recent past: a strong and clear capacity to put the upsetting thoughts or feelings aside after venting or processing them, without ignoring them fully but, rather, not allowing them to take hold of the whole of me; taking a very matter-of-fact problem-solving approach to the issues arising; turning to the positive things in my life and letting myself dwell on those more; a wonderful re-found grounding joy and peace (with much less impostor syndrome) in doing science, which has once again become what it has often been for me throughout my life — an anchor or safe haven.  

There are also, of course, many practical reasons for this groundedness I’ve been feeling and for these holidays having been so peaceful for me, including: being able to actually spend time in-person with friends and acquaintances here despite the holidays and being around other people who don’t celebrate Christmas, either (YAY!!!); feeling the affection and connection with remote friends who have been making time for me despite the holidays and, in particular, reconnecting to a couple of my oldest and dearest friends and communicating with them more often and deeply again; the fact that the “really important dates” for me this winter will be towards the end of January, with the anniversary of my move to Colorado and my gender-affirming top-surgery, which reduce the symbolic importance of the holidays, in a good sense, shifting it or spreading it out throughout this season; the excitement of possibly starting to date someone here; the weather, with its perfect (for me, privileged for not being forced to necessarily go out in the snow) alternation of snow, cold, storms, and sunshine, allowing me to enjoy both the coziness of the season that I seem to naturally need and the freedom of getting outdoors enough; the liberty to work from home on a very flexible and autonomous schedule and the fortunate coincidence of having re-found my scientific ardor & confidence to actually get work done. 

I am well aware that these last two points, in particular, come from a position of privilege that I have and can only acknowledge gratefully while trying to make the best of it — for them, as well as for the other reasons for my happiness & groundedness, I am full of gratitude. 

However, some of this I have earned and come a long way to find. A year ago, a good friend’s violent husband literally kicked me out of their house moments before Christmas dinner was put on the table; another of my closest friends bailed on me last minute for New Year’s Eve after we had planned it all out & built up a lot of expectations around it; and while struggling with depression and/or burnout, I was packing up (with the invaluable help of some very good friends) my Californian life to set out for Colorado with a plan reaching only as far as the following five or six months. I’m not a hero(in), I couldn’t have done all this, as most of the things in my life, without my loving, supportive friends and generous people around me. I just want to remember and celebrate what feels good now. 

My last snowy New Year’s before this one, supposedly relaxing and having fun in the mountains, was in reality leaden with heartbreak and forced companionship. 

This New Year’s weekend was a perfect, delightful balance between joyful company and peaceful solitude, between homely coziness and outdoor adventure. Something to celebrate, for sure!