Wonderful weekend

Despite my recent concerns and waking up feeling really worried and lonely yesterday, at the end I had an absolutely wonderful weekend. 

The first aspect that made it so wonderful was that I spent both days, almost wholly, in company of very good friends: a relaxing afternoon & evening going for a walk, enjoying downtown, and then chilling and chatting at my place (my housemate was away) with one of my non-binary friends on Saturday; another fun and physically strenuous (in the good, satisfying sense) adventure with one of my best climbing buddies all day today. 

This it itself would be enough to make it a lovely weekend for me. 

But there’s more. It’s not that I “just” saw and hung out with good friends and did relaxing and fun things — I’m not saying that this wouldn’t be good enough, I’m just saying that there was even more! 

Both of these friends are extremely affirming of my non-binary/trans-masculine identity, each in their own way, and both in ways that are extremely important and nurturing for me. 

Both of these people made time for me, to spend basically a whole day with me, both of them making it clear that they enjoy spending time with me as much as I do with them. 

Both of them made space for my needs, the practical/logistic ones as well as the emotional ones. I’m still afraid every time I state my needs, I’m afraid it will make people — even friends — turn away from me, so it always requires a big effort or a lot of courage for me to ask for what I need. With both of these friends this weekend I did so, worried that it might make them change their mind about making plans with me, but fortunately it didn’t. And their availability, their forthcoming generosity made me feel so heard and so held...!

For example, my non-binary friend confirmed their availability to be with me around my top-surgery and helped me brainstorm ways to coordinate with other friends and/or acquaintances in the local trans/non-binary community who could offer support. 

My climbing buddy, instead, took me ice-climbing: I had never done it before but expressed some interest when he told me about his many fun adventures ice-climbing; so he lent me not only ice-climbing gear but also extra clothes to keep me warm; he came to pick me up and drove us to a beautiful National Park. And when I said, “I might not be able to climb anything on ice”, he replied, “Oh no, I’m pretty sure you’ll love it and be great at it” — and indeed, I loved it! 

In addition, with both of these friends through in-person interactions (which are so vital for me), I had the opportunity to reconnect to, and express, some of the most important parts of my identity: my non-binary/trans-masculine identity with both of them; the roles of power, my dress-style preferences and the “hippie me” with my non-binary friend; the strong, adventurous athlete with my climbing buddy. 

Finally — last but not least — the activities and time spent with my two friends this weekend gave me proof of the recovery and good health of my respiratory system. While there undoubtedly is some real asthma (I’ve also received confirmation from several medical doctors that many people have been left with asthma after their COVID infections, i.e. it is a REAL permanent “side effect”), a lot of the chest tightness and/or shortness of breath that I often experience is due to a specific type of anxiety due to loneliness: in fact, as soon as my non-binary friend came over yesterday and we started on our walk and I was able to talk with them & listen to them, the chest tightness that I woke up with in the morning was gone; and with my buddy today, apart from climbing ice for over three hours at an altitude of 10,000 feet, we hiked in & out for a total of at least 6.5 miles with over 1,000 feet elevation gain, a lot of it in fresh snow or ice and carrying a 20-pound backpack of gear, at below-freezing temperatures, and I hardly had any shortness of breath. 

More proofs and good reminders that I don’t need a pill to keep me off anxiety or depression: I need human interaction, preferably in person and as much as possible with good, sincere friends; I need to be physically healthy so I can be physically active (& thus express the athletic, adventurous part of my identity); and I need my non-binary/trans-masculine identity to be seen, appreciated, affirmed in words and actions. 

I guess like most of us, I need to be seen, heard, and held. And I need to feel and see that I’m not always doing it all on my own.