Tonight I took myself out on a date.
Just a few days ago, I discovered that one of the cafes in town has live music on Thursday nights. So this evening, despite the freezing temperatures, I decided to take myself out and go check it out. I was anxious and doubtful because I’m still feeling very uncomfortable and fearful of being indoors with many people (especially since nobody except for me wears a mask), but I decided to give it a try anyway, telling myself that if it was too crowded I could just leave.
Fortunately for me, the cafe was almost empty, both downstairs where the food & drinks are served and upstairs where the jazz quartet was playing. So I was able to indulge myself with a hot chocolate and a piece of cake and live jazz.
It felt so good!
As I melted into the little couch in the corner farthest away from the musicians and the half-dozen other people present, I finally felt myself relaxing and coming alive again like I hadn’t done in ages. I soaked it all in: the music, the hippie/queer/cozy/inclusive atmosphere, my hot chocolate and cake — all of the warmth from the music, from the food, from the other people.
And then, the music became irresistible for me to listen to while sitting down. I had to get up and dance, even if just quietly in the corner. And that, too, felt so good! The extra anonymity given to me both from being knew & unknown in town and from the N-95 mask covering almost my whole face was a huge liberation. I could feel my eyes smiling, reflecting the smile on my lips under my mask, while I could also feel my whole body soften, loosen up, let go of accumulated tension, and come alive.
When the musicians took a break and I felt I had had enough “social risk” for the time being, I decided to take myself for a walk in the pretty downtown. So pretty with all the holiday lights — and even prettier in the freezing (literally!) cold weather. So cold but so dry and as such not unbearable, on the contrary, enjoyable and enlivening. It reminded me of all those winter evenings I spent — and enjoyed — walking around in different towns in Europe, often in the mountains and/or cold regions. Towns or cities with a proper winter, with really cold but dry cold weather, and snow, for weeks, for months. How I used to enjoy it (if I could then get a real, hot summer, too)!
I suffered so much cold when I was living in coastal California: cold because even if the temperatures are in the low 50s (Fahrenheit) it’s f***ick damp. It’s wet. And it’s often cloudy/foggy. And it’s precisely that terrible, thick moisture that gets into your whole body and makes you cold in a way that no moving around, no activity, no hot food can really keep you warm enough. It just seeps into you.
But dry cold is completely different and I had forgotten how much I can enjoy it. I was reminded of it tonight: after the music and small social interactions enlivening me and bringing back a relaxed smile to my face, the dry, crisp cold woke me up fully and broadened the smile on my face even more.
I guess that taking myself out on dates like this more often could be good for me..!?
The Little Prince and the Fox 