The other event that has made today an intense day was an extremely vivid dream I had a couple nights ago but didn’t have time to process and share (with my counselor) until today.
I often remember my dreams and sometimes I have dreams that are particularly realistic and vivid, that when I wake up leave me feeling like they really happened and reeling for a while.
This latest super realistic and vivid dream was particularly intense and meaningful for me on the emotional level. I was in my hometown in Europe, walking around the neighborhood where I grew up with one of my biggest “California crushes”: physically it was definitely him, but his personality was a mix of (the best traits of) him together with two of my biggest “loves” & most trusted friends. As we walked around, this guy said to me that he was about to go have dinner somewhere and asked me if I wanted to join him. I was happy that he invited me and said “Yes”. Then, as we walked to find a dinner place, he suddenly stopped and asked me if I wanted to kiss him. A little surprised but super happy, again I said “Yes”; and we kissed, and it was incredibly realistic — and then I woke up, feeling like we had really just been kissing.
Of course, part of the intensity of this dream comes from the kiss feeling so vivid and real, especially given that he & I never kissed in real life. Partly, it was the unfulfilled wish of kissing him coming true in my dream that left me reeling and felt so intense yesterday morning. There is something more, though, something deeper that I was able to put into words with my therapist today and that will remain with me much longer than that kiss. It’s two things, actually, but they are related symbolically: it’s his two questions to me, to both of which I happily replied “Yes”. Those questions were even more of an important & unfulfilled wish or need of mine, even more than the kiss itself. It was the fact that he was asking me, offering me his availability to give me two things that are very important and intimate for me (the shared meal and the kiss) and that he never really offered or gave me in real life (and that I yearned to have with/from him).
In my life, I’ve often been asked by someone, “May I kiss you?”: a question that has flattered me, made me smile, endeared someone to me, or in other cases irritated me, bothered me or even frightened me. But never have I been asked, “Do you want to kiss me?”.
The difference is not just linguistic, in the wording: words have meaning. The difference in those two questions is huge (at least for me). “May I kiss you?” is the expression of the other person’s desire, of the other person asking for their wish to be fulfilled, of their asking me to give them something or to do something for them (albeit often in a nice, sweet way seeking consent). “Do you want to kiss me?” (& then promptly kissing me when I reply in the affirmative) is an offer from the other person to me: it’s the other person understanding my need, my desire, my wish and offering to fulfill it for me. Offering to do something nice for me without my having to ask, for once, without my having to make the effort, and without my having to risk rejection (but actually him risking rejection…).
Oh, sweet dream…!
The Little Prince and the Fox 