Almost one full month into autumn, I’m still fascinated by and reveling in the gorgeous colors and glorious weather of this season here in Colorado. And trying to let the riot of colors on the outside echo the one inside me.
Finalizing my move over the past ten days or, at least, getting all my belongings and boxes from my temporary to my more permanent place here in Colorado, has been a very emotionally taxing endeavor. After all, I’ve basically been on the move for the past nine months, and it has weighed on me. It has been emotionally tiring and I still cannot get myself to open all those boxes of belongings from California — they still stir up too many emotions that are simply too intense for me to hold on my own.
Fortunately, during the second part of the winter and throughout most of the spring I had some months of reprieve, which effectively allowed me to heal, to initiate my “new beginning”, and to get my textbook written and published. This summer, however, was tough — tougher than I had realized — and I’m feeling it now.
We’re getting a beautiful autumn: the weather is sunny and balmy during the daytime; temperatures drop at night and it’s chilly in the early mornings, clearly signaling that summer is behind us; days are getting shorter but the colors are extremely bright in the sunshine, making the daytime hours more intense and wonderful than ever; leaves are falling from the trees — I can hear them fall as I sit outside and the trees are noticeably getting more and more naked by the day. And then we get sporadic days of much-needed rain.
This intense alternation of colors and temperatures; all this intense and rapidly changing beauty — it reflects my emotions. The warm sunshine is like the happiness and enthusiasm I feel about living here, in this corner of the world that I like so much; the chilly, cozy evenings and clear starry skies at night reflect the welcoming feelings in this new house, with my kind housemate; the leaves falling from the trees represent my own shedding, leaving behind so much (of which I am reminded by opening boxes of belongings from California); the palettes of bright colors mirror the riot of colors in my heart — happiness, loneliness, excitement, enthusiasm, pain, joy, hope, sadness, and sometimes also still some anger. My emotions ebb and flow, depending on the time of day, on the activities I’m doing, on the people with whom I’m in touch. I try to let it all come and go within me — inside and outside of me. I try to focus on what needs to be done here and now — submitting an abstract for an important conference before the deadline today; processing my paperwork for the legal change of my name & gender-marker; registering to vote & getting my vehicles legally registered here in Colorado; unpacking only what I really need in my new place and what gives me joy or helps me feel at home, more grounded; socializing in the ways that nourish me and meet my needs; learning to understand, accept, respect, and communicate my needs more clearly.
One step at a time.
Like the changing colors of autumn, my emotions change too, they ebb and flow, they come and go. And hopefully also the intensity or pain of some of these emotions will ebb and flow, eventually “falling away from my heart” just as the leaves are falling off the autumn trees.
The Little Prince and the Fox 