It’s not a question of “taming my energy” or “regulating my intense emotions”. It’s a question of finding ways to express those emotions and of channeling that energy, which includes finding other persons who match my energy and avoiding, or reducing interaction with, people who drain it.
Many aspects of my feelings, behaviors, experiences or perspectives can be understood and explained in terms of neurodivergence and/or gender dysphoria. But so much of me and my feelings and experiences go beyond that.
I have — and have always had — an energy that is hard to match. By this I don’t mean that it’s better or worse than other persons’ energy, it just seems to be very uncommon. It’s not only a “high” energy: it’s full of irresistible life; it contains very powerful light; it tends to be constructive and joyful, but it can sometimes turn into a dark storm, usually when it’s not “matched” (i.e. when my needs for sharing it go unmet) for too long.
In my entire life, I’ve met only four people with whom I’ve really resonated on this deep level of “personal energy”; and, in fact, these four relationships have been in many aspects the most intense of my life (for better or for worse).
The first two started over twenty years ago, when I & the other two persons were teenagers. One was a beautiful German girl; the other was my sailing buddy who was also my first “serious boyfriend”. Both of them are still to this day two of my dearest and closest friends, and two of the people with whom I have the closest, most intense and spontaneous understanding, despite the different paths we’ve taken and the geographical distances.
The other two I met in California and are both climbers, and both of them especially into bouldering (which is, ironically, the type of climbing that I enjoy the least). And the heartbreaks ensuing from the relationships with both of these boulderers have been so intense and long-lasting specifically because of our resonating energies. Besides all of the other, more common aspects drawing us to each other, it was that same type and level of energy that made our connections so deep. And with one of them, in particular, so intense and irresistible — to his own admission, too.
The need to find people with my same type and level of energy, and to be able to express it and share it and effectively let it out with them, is vital to me. It’s not a whim. It’s not a “want”: it’s a “need”. And the lack or difficulty of getting this vital need met is one of the main causes of my bouts of sadness or pain or anger, because it almost feels like I’m wasting my life.
I’m realizing how hard it is for people to understand this — this feeling of mine, this need of mine. People tend to interpret it, and even write it off, as “hypersensitivity” or “being so intense” or even “depression” sometimes. While all of these might have been actual secondary effects sometimes, none of them are the real, correct reason or explanation. I know it, I know myself, and I’m going to trust this knowledge I have deep inside me.
Bad days happen. Days in which sadness, hurt, pain, anger or even impostor syndrome are so intense that I cannot get work done or that I need to sit and cry it out. Those days happen. At least, they happen to persons with my type of energy. They are part of me, part of us, part of our energy, and the consequence of our energy being hard to match (at least in our society as it most commonly functions). Pills or meds are not the solution (at least, not for me). Getting that energy matched is the healthy solution for me. It always has been and has led to some of the most beautiful experiences and, at least in two cases, long-lasting relationships of my entire life.
So I am determined to continue seeking out those types of experiences and relationships, no matter how difficult it is to find other persons whose energy matches my own.
I have noticed that oftentimes people who rock climb (outdoors) and/or do certain types of sailing and/or ride motorcycles tend to match my energy level more closely, which is probably not a coincidence. There are levels of resonance and fulfillment that I need beyond rock climbing or sailing together, and it’s those more intimate levels that I’m particularly struggling to find and fulfill. And it’s usually those intimate levels of unfulfillment that lead to my deepest bouts of sadness or anger. But I think that recognizing the problem is part of the solution.
So while continuing to cherish the wonderful friendships I have and being grateful for all that they give me, I will also keep in mind my own vital needs that are not met now and that probably require different types of relationships and persons with different energy levels from what I have close to me at the moment. It might be possible to get those important needs met only with one or two people, as it has been in the past: but I need to find that energy that resonates with mine and build a deep connection with persons available & willing to share it with me.
The Little Prince and the Fox 