Turning people gay

I’ve joined a trans choir! 

I went to my first rehearsal with them last night and totally loved it! And I realized how truly deep my voice has gotten… if only I allow myself to let it go deep. 

My voice has gotten really deep. But I keep defaulting back to a higher pitch. I do it at work, I do it when talking to acquaintances/neighbors, and I even do it with my climbing buddies. 

Slowly but surely, the boy in me is growing: I’m getting stronger (not noticeably bigger but definitely stronger, i.e. my muscles are more powerful); a little mustache is starting to come explore my face; and my voice is deep when I sing or when I talk in a relaxed setting. But I still come across as a “woman” because these changes are not visible enough to others — except for my voice. That could be noticeable to others, if only I used my new, deeper register. And yet, although I want so badly to be and be seen as a boy, I keep defaulting back to a higher pitch so often. 

Why do I do this? 

I guess that partly I’m afraid of making people around me uncomfortable and then, as a consequence, feeling uncomfortable myself. 

For now I can still be seen or perceived as a “woman”, albeit one with a very androgynous, lean, athletic body. Especially for people like my climbing/adventure buddies, it’s almost as if I still encapsulated “the best of both sides”: the non-threatening looks of a fit woman along with character traits that are usually considered boyish or masculine (adventurous, wild, daring, bold, easy-going). But what will happen as my voice deepens further? What will happen once I no longer have breasts (and yet have no penis, either)? What will happen if I decide to keep and not shave any facial hair that might eventually grow? Will my more explicit and visible, yet still partial, masculine attributes along with my sexual disinterest for women feel like a threat to my cis-male buddies, due to an ingrained homophobia that is still pervasive (although subconscious)? 

I know that my “coming out” as non-binary trans-masculine to a few cis-men friends/acquaintances has already “turned them gay”, as one of my closest non-binary friends put it. These guys didn’t phrase it like that to me, of course, and might not even be aware of it themselves; but I’m discovering that “turning people gay” is a common effect or consequence of trans/non-binary persons coming out and one of the many reasons that trans/non-binary people can be perceived as a “threat” or as uncomfortable by heteronormative and/or gender-conforming persons.

I just hadn’t realized how much this would in turn affect me and my own feelings and behaviors…