Fear, as well as courage, are both different for each of us

[Content warnings: social anxiety; COVID/pandemic; (mis)gendering & gender dysphoria]

“Courage is different for each of us”. So is fear. 

My two best climbing buddies here in Colorado are both wild, somewhat reckless, adventurers (which is probably the reason we “clicked” and get along). They’re both very good climbers, one of them in particular having started as a teenager and being overall an extremely experienced and well-rounded mountaineer. When I climbed with the latter a week ago, after several attempts at leading a relatively easy, low, and well-protected route, he suddenly said to me, “I’m too scared. I’m coming down”. I was surprised (though full of respect for him & his decision): I’ve seen him, and belayed him, leading & climbing much harder and riskier routes; this one was totally within his technical and physical skills — it was even within mine, and I’m a much worse & less experienced climber than he is. But the point here was his head, his mind: he was scared, for seemingly inexplicable reasons. Fine. It happens to all of us, as both he and my other good climbing buddy said to me once or twice when I froze inexplicably on a simple route. 

Generally, though, as climbers, we will enjoy and even thrive from these risks, the thrill. 

When I’m well, at my “mental baseline”, I can handle the risks and fears from sailing (including in bad weather), motorcycle riding, rock-climbing, backpacking, being exposed to the elements, to bears and mountain lions, moose and elk.

But I’m terrified of crowds. 

I’ve always had some social anxiety — maybe because I’m mostly an “introvert”? For most of my life I’ve struggled in large groups of people, often feeling shy, like I don’t belong, that I’m awkward or out of place. Since COVID, though, this has grown exponentially for me. I’ve become literally terrified of crowds of people, even outdoors if there’s not enough personal space and/or if food has to be shared or we’re eating/drinking together (which means I have to remove my face-covering, which nobody else is wearing anymore). 

Yesterday, I rode my motorcycle to a nearby town where a conference is being held that most of my research group & department are attending, too. I had a good ride but arrived alone. As I approached the hotel in which the conference is taking place, I could feel the anxiety rise inside me. I donned my N-95 mask and went indoors, straight to the registration desk, where I found out that lunch was being served outside, which gave me some relief and hope. 

Before going out to lunch, though, I needed to use the bathroom and decided to go to the men’s room (it was also the first one I found). I’m not sure whether the two guys in there gave me weird looks or whether it’s just me still feeling uncomfortable about this, but gender-dysphoria along with the sense of not being “seen” the way I really feel — i.e. of being “seen as a woman” — started to add itself uncomfortably to my COVID-anxiety. 

Once I got outside to the lunch area, the situation didn’t improve for me: there were loads of people and crowded tables crammed all around a buffet with a line of more persons. This, on top of the gender-dysphoria and then also the sense of not belonging because I didn’t know anyone & feel I have nothing to do with scientific research anymore— i.e. my impostor syndrome coming back full on — this was all too much for me to bear. 

I turned around, walked back, found a table a little on the side in order to calm my thoughts. It wasn’t real panic, but there was some anxiety and a huge amount of discomfort. And I decided that I simply didn’t want to deal with it, that it wasn’t worth it for me, that I’d respect my discomfort, my fear, and leave. I decided that my emotions had the right to exist and to be felt and to be honored. I decided to respect my fear, to heed it, to listen to what it had to say. 

Many other people have no fear of crowds or of COVID, or they don’t feel uncomfortable in their assigned/assumed gender or are confident in their professional position. I am afraid of crowds because of COVID; I feel uncomfortable when I perceive that I am being “seen as a woman”, i.e. (mis)gendered; moreover, at the moment, I am feeling very insecure in my professional position as I feel that I lack the skills for it. These emotions are valid. And realistically they would have impaired or, at least, reduced my ability to focus on the scientific aspects of the conference itself. 

I am afraid of some things that to other people may seem easy or harmless or effortless. But I am not afraid of riding my motorcycle — so I got back on my bike and rode home and attended the conference online (fortunately, thanks to the pandemic, this option now exists, too)!