[Trigger warning: boundary violation; victim shaming/blaming; unwanted attention.]
It feels paradoxical, like an oxymoron, yet it is real: this morning I feel a muddle of emotions, yet extreme clarity as well. Maybe it’s just too soon to express this clarity — but I need to jot down some of these emotions, so I will.
For a while now, on and off for months, I know I have been getting close — closer & closer — to some real “biggies” for me, mostly concerning unwanted attention, boundary violation, and victim shaming/blaming.
I’m still getting plenty of unwanted attention. Each of those instances maybe are not too bad, per se. But they are, de facto, a form of violating boundaries and they trigger old trauma for me.
My family has decided, for no good reason, that I’ve had enough time of “silence” with them since asking them to suspend communication last spring, and have violated my boundaries twice in less than two weeks, the latest just yesterday. Which has been extremely upsetting for me for plenty of reasons.
But on top of these instances of violating boundaries and/or unwanted attention, there is also shaming/blaming of the victim. When I was verbally and emotionally harassed by those two violent men this past spring, here was still someone who claimed I instigated it because of how I am (although I had never initiated any communication with either of those men). There are still people who insinuate or straight out say that it was my spontaneous friendliness and/or natural attractiveness that led the (cis male) students to hit on me at university (although I have always been extremely professional, sometimes even to the limit of rigidity). I’m sure there would still be plenty of persons saying that it’s my fault that I get unwanted attention because of my cool motorcycle or the way I look/dress at the gym. And plenty of people who blame me for being cruel (selfish, self-centered, immature — you name it) for not communicating with my family of origin.
All of that blaming and shaming hurts. It’s harmful, toxic, inappropriate and even dangerous.
But today I’m not only hurt by all these comments and attitudes or implications: today I’m also pissed off.
Boundaries are boundaries, and they are sacred. They must be respected.
And victims of boundary violation and/or unwanted attention (of any form) must be protected, supported, offered a safe space: not blamed or shamed.
Regardless of how I am dressed, when I walk into a gym or a classroom or down the street, I deserve respect as a human being — as anyone else does, too.
Regardless of the reasons why I need to suspend communication with my family and/or the time it might take me to be ready to communicate with them again, my boundaries are legitimate and must be respected. Period.
The Little Prince and the Fox 