“There’s some important, and vulnerable, personal information that I would like to share with you also because it might become evident in our professional/academic interactions and work.
As you probably know already, I use “they” pronouns because I identify as non-binary. What I’d like to share here is that I have recently started gender-affirming HRT (= hormone replacement therapy), which means that I am in many ways going through male puberty and thus putting my body through something it wasn’t really expecting. This means that my body, including my brain, are literally readjusting and some changes affect my daily life, for example the irregular energy levels I’m experiencing, the shifting in my focus (moments when I am as sharp and focused as ever, and moments when I struggle to concentrate on even the simplest task), and seemingly becoming a “night owl” in my sleep patterns. All this to say that — and explain why — I might seem or behave a little erratically in the mornings, for a while.
Having always been an “early bird”, morning-type of person and very regular and consistent in my schedule, this shift in patterns is a little unsettling for me, too, sometimes — maybe some of you might recall your own puberty and extend some patience/compassion towards me!
I’m sure that having a regular schedule, including our Wednesday & Friday meetings, will help. Generally, just FYI, it seems that my most productive work hours are in the afternoon & evening, for now.”
This is the email I sent just a few hours ago to my research group, which includes my boss, a couple of PhD students and half-a-dozen younger students (undergrads and/or Master’s), most of them cis-males.
So far, I have received some lovely replies. And empathy all around, albeit in different ways.
A wonderfully sweet and supportive (even from the practical viewpoint) reply from my boss.
Gratitude and empathy and even admiration from a grad student whom I haven’t met in person, yet, but who apparently is also queer.
Cute, sweet responses from two of the younger students, who are almost still “boys” themselves. When I saw them for lunch today (after I had sent the email) and mentioned that eventually I’ll also start sounding and looking a little different, one of them said to me that his voice is still cracking sometimes and that he wouldn’t notice if I behaved in a weird or erratic way because I’m just fun and weird anyway; while the other said he’s still going through his own puberty himself, so he can fully empathize.
I’m extremely grateful for these responses. I’ve been very stressed out lately because of my focus being so low or erratic and thus my work being so unproductive, especially compared to the past. I’ve also simply being feeling the need to be fully “out”, fully authentic with my group, with the people I’m around and work with. I just cannot hide, I don’t want to hide my authentic self and I don’t believe in the “fake it till you make it” mentality anymore.
I still feel the pressure of doing well at this job, but now this pressure is really only my own, due to how much I care about what feels to me like a “second opportunity” in my work life… So hopefully the relief from my coworkers’ responses will seep into the cracks of my own professional perfectionism or lack of confidence and allow me to relax, and probably thus work better, while being fully and authentically myself in this environment as well!
The Little Prince and the Fox 