I guess I can be proud of myself: despite one partial and one nearly total meltdown, I managed to get myself safely to my friend’s house and then all the way back home riding my motorcycle for half an hour each way on the freeway.
It started as a hard day already this morning. I dragged myself out of bed past 9:30 AM and struggled with feelings of being tired and overwhelmed and also concerned about the swelling on my ankle from the wasp sting I got yesterday evening. So I skipped the swim workout I had planned and just did chores and slowly got myself ready to go to my French climbing buddy’s housewarming party.
On my way to his place, I stopped at the grocery store to get drinks and asked a shop assistant for help finding something. He didn’t know where the item was so he asked a colleague if she “could please help this lady”. Immediately, I snapped, “This person — help this person, not lady”. He was very taken aback and tried to apologize, but I ignored him and stormed off in the direction that had been indicated to me by his colleague. That was my first, partial meltdown of today. I know I was rude and that he probably meant no harm by calling me “this lady”, but I just cannot take it anymore — or, at least, couldn’t take it today. I understand that people are brought up with a binary view and taught to say “lady”, “m’am”, “miss”, or “sir” to be polite and show respect. But I’m just so fed up with having to be the one who is understanding about society’s binary view and misgendering. I’m fed up with being misgendered so often just because I have (small) tits and I’m fed up with always having to ask to be called something different from “miss” or “m’am”. It’s upsetting to us non-binary/trans people and once in a while it’s okay for cis-persons to have to bear the weight of their misgendering.
At that point, I realized I wasn’t in the best of moods to socialize today and I strongly considered to just go home and spend the afternoon by myself. The weather also looked a little stormy so I was undecided about riding my motorcycle all the way and back. But I definitely didn’t want to drive my car, it felt like such a waste, and I felt itchy to ride, and my French climbing buddy said the weather was nice at his place, so I decided to go.
I enjoyed my motorcycle ride there but still felt grumpy when I got to my friend’s place. After changing out of my riding gear, I joined the party in the backyard and felt completely overwhelmed by the crowd and loudness — music playing and over twenty people, mostly in beach-wear, chatting loudly and playing with water guns and water balloons. Moreover, they were all strangers to me except for my friend and his girlfriend. I felt like a fish out of water, with all my social anxiety bubbling up.
My buddy came to my rescue and then a couple other people introduced themselves, helping me out of my social anxiety moment, and I fell into a pleasant conversation with a nice guy (and his girlfriend joining on and off). Then, California came up and we exchanged opinions about it, and found to have similar impressions of it. I said something about it and he replied that, interestingly, all the women he had talked to had said something similar and all the men the opposite. That really rubbed me the wrong way. And I think it was the last straw for today. When we finished the conversation as food was being served, I told him that I use “they” pronouns & identify as non-binary, not as a woman. He was very nice about it and got the reference to his previous comment about men vs. women, but still I had no desire to make more efforts to socialize at that point.
I took a break inside the house and even went for a short walk around the block to try and get myself into a “good sociable mood” but just couldn’t do it. So I decided I would eat something and then head back home (my body needed some food before the ride). I got myself something to eat and discretely sat in a corner of the backyard where I could go unnoticed. My French climbing buddy, whom I had told I was having a tough day, saw me and asked if he could join me, and then asked how I was doing. At that point I broke down in tears — meltdown. I realized that being seen as a woman was unbearably upsetting for me. I just couldn’t put up with it — it made me feel naked in a horrible way, almost traumatizing.
On the one hand, since the pandemic, I simply struggle with crowds of people, even outdoors sometimes. On the other hand, I realized that I’ve gotten unused to be at settings/events that don’t explicitly include either climbers or trans/queer/non-binary persons (or scientists, at my job): those are the spaces that feel safe and comfortable, manageable and known to me now. I cannot handle anything else for the time being.
As my friend walked me inside and sat on the couch with me, asking me how I’ve been doing and catching up a little since we haven’t seen each other in over a month, I felt his affection towards me and my gratitude towards him. But I also realized that I’ve been through so much lately: the emotions from my trip to California in July are still raw; my recent move, all the changes of the past months and the changes I’m still going through and expecting for the upcoming months — it’s A LOT. And today all this along with a crowd of strangers playing loud music and beach games was simply too much.
I needed to get myself home safely, possibly before the storm rolled in.
So I donned my riding gear again and headed out. Sorry to not have met my friend’s housemates, especially the gay guy and his queer friends. But I’ll hopefully meet them sometime soon when I go over for dinner in a smaller group.
For today, that was enough — and my French climbing buddy, who’s also a motorcycle rider, understood my mental/emotional state this time as well.
So I got on my bike and rode home. Keeping my mind focused on the road and feeling the wind, the speed, and the tricky edge on which my brain was balancing itself precariously today.
The Little Prince and the Fox 