A dear friend of mine recently commented, when I was telling her about some of my recent crushes, “You have a type”; and then, a short while later, “It’s another one of these available-unavailable guys”… And to a great extent she was right. Saying that I “have a type” I fall for is quite accurate and also kind, gentle. At this point, I think one could duly say to me that I “have a pattern”, and probably even an unhealthy pattern, rather than just a “type”.
Yes, I’ve been going for available-unavailable/mostly-unavailable guys for several years now and seem to keep going for them.
But it’s not only that. There’s a “type” in the sense that they tend to be guys whose potential I see and with whom I can feel, and sometimes get, a taste (often extremely intense but also unreliable) of close camaraderie and connection and glimpses of shared purpose. Which finally get frustrated and aborted, though, for what could be, or seems to be, lack of willingness or readiness on their part (in this sense I go for “intrinsically unavailable” guys).
This pattern of going for guys whose “potential” I see and with whom I feel intense connection and camaraderie and sometimes even shared purpose is — I finally see it — an attempt on my part to recreate a type of relationship I had two decades ago, with my sailing buddy who was also my first committed relationship and first really big love.
For several years now, I’ve been trying to recreate that type of relationship, that type of bond, more or less consciously. And it’s not working.
The three times I fell most deeply in love was when I felt I saw the potential in that guy. And in one way or another, all three of those relationships ended or didn’t even start because of the guy “not rising up fully to his potential”. Now I realize that’s such an unhealthy, biased, presumptuous, and almost mean way of seeing things on my part. What if all of those guys and all of the rest of guys of the same “type” for whom I’ve been getting crushes lately simply don’t like me as mush as I thought they did or are seeking something different from what I have/want? What if I’m really not that likable or lovable?
Or what if this deeply-rooted longing of mine is blinding me or making me see things that aren’t really there?
Where does this ancient longing of mine come from, and how do I assuage it in a healthy way, stopping all these multiple (big or small) heart-breaks that I keep getting?
I’m getting closer and closer to being my whole, authentic self and better able to express it & myself unabashed; yet I seem to be getting further and further away from a healthy romantic relationship or unable to find persons who really like me as much as I like them (or as much as I think they like me).
Why do I do this? What’s wrong with me?
The Little Prince and the Fox 