Reparenting

I’m back in the area of coastal California where I spent six years of my life before moving to Colorado recently.

I’m here to logistically finalize my move to Colorado but I’m also saying Hi/Goodbye to some friends here who are among my best friends overall.

Many of these friends are much older than myself, actually my parents’ age or almost. And seeing them again is confirming a realization that I had recently, namely how the years I spent in this region of California, almost fleeing Europe, have been a wonderful (and much needed and healing) “reparenting” for me.   

When I told my nuclear family, in December 2015, that in three weeks I’d be moving to California, my father’s response was, literally, “What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you just settle down?” I’ll probably never forget his response, that “What’s wrong with you?” – the culminating example of how he had always responded to me when he wasn’t totally absent from my life.

Yesterday, I went sailing with a program for which I’ve been volunteering for the past six years here and in which there are four persons who are friends but also, effectively, “surrogate fathers” for me. Two of them in particular have been very important and dear father-figures to me, the father that I always wish I had had.

One of them picked me up to drive to the sailing program yesterday morning and the moment he saw me (still unawares of my latest move and plans) he said, “Your eyes – they’re so bright and sparkling – and you look so happy”. So then I told him about the recent decisions and changes and move and future plans, and his response was “We’ll miss you, I’ll always be happy to go sailing with you whenever you’re back here, and if you ever need help in returning to this area, I’ll give you all the support I can. But I can see you’re happy and I’m happy for you — keep following your path!” [This person has a picture of me sailing on his boat as his computer’s screensaver.]

The other one who’s particularly important to me said something along similar lines – “You’re inspiring and I love your journey: you’re following a wonderful path!”

And they all embraced the news of my gender identity & new pronouns, asking me to correct them if they mis-gender me involuntarily, while also acknowledging that they’ve always seen and supported the boy in me and me just as I am.

I realize (& have felt this for a while) that moving away from California to Colorado now is also, in some ways, part of my growing up and becoming my adult self more fully. I needed those years in California with so many friends who were older than myself and more like parent/mentor figures because I truly needed the reparenting: I needed support to heal those old wounds from my childhood, in particular those connected to a father who basically swayed between being absent and (not constructively) hyper-critical.

This realization has brought additional peace and joy to me and gratitude for the years spent here and towards all these lovely persons.