Two-day cycle: Pain again

Today is one of those days where having a “to-do” list, things that need to be done and cannot be postponed, will be a life-line.

For the past week or so, anxiety and grief have been coming and going in a two-day cycle: one day is good, I feel excited and energetic, empowered and liberated and optimistic; the next, grief is back together with an anxiety that grasps my body, tightening my chest and knotting my stomach. Today is one of these latter days. I wish I could sit and cry, to let it all out, but the tears don’t come.

I recognize this rhythm, these cyclic feelings: I felt the same two-day alternating cycle when I moved from Europe to California six and a half years ago. It was much harder then and the “bad” days felt worse, but it was the same two-day alternating rhythm. Realizing this helped me this morning. It even made me smile as I thought, “Well, this is me, this is how I function”. This is how my body functions. Despite the extremely intense pain, both emotional and physical, this morning there is also relief in recognizing a pattern. It helps remind me that it’s manageable, that I handled it before, even when it was worse, and therefore I can handle it again. And it shall pass, too.

(I’m also relieved, and thankful, to see that despite the pain and grief and anxiety, my mental state is stable, i.e. I can focus well on work, on the practical things to be done, and even on risky activities/hobbies. The mental fatigue that was almost paralyzing some of my thoughts or actions a few weeks ago is gone now.)

Still, there is very intense pain and grief in this moment, right now. This needs to be recognized and acknowledged and held, no matter how hard it may be. So I’ll sit with it and let it be while also doing the things that need to be done today.